Internal Warfare
by StarkLovesShawarma
Summary: Kendall's going away for a long time, leaving James devistated. Something horrific occurs and James, not knowing how to cope, finds comfort in the arms of a life long friend. KAMES   & JARLOS
1. Part 1

**Okay so this is a plot that randomly popped into my mind as I sat in History class watching a WWI video. I fell in love with the idea instantly, and began to add more and more to it as I thought about it through out the day. Its gonna be a multi chapter. Oh, speaking of which: I'm sorry for publishing stories and not updating them soon enough. So many plots pop into my head that I just have to write, I have about four stories on hold right now. I promise I'll update them as soon as possible. And I'm sorry this chapter is so short, I just needed a little introduction. :)**

**I don't own Big Time Rush or anything else you may recognize in this story. **

Tears immediately began to well in the bottom of James' hazel eyes. This startled him more than he anticipated, sending a pang of horror through his heart. He shook his head slightly, trying to wake up from this horrid nightmare. But he wasn't sleeping. He knew this day was inevitable, but he never really grasped around the concept until now. It couldn't be right.

This couldn't be happening.

He began to feel light headed. Sick even. And for a moment, James thinks he might actually puke. He swallows hard.

"We're gonna be praying for you baby," His mother spoke, her voice cracking slightly as a streak stained her face. She pulled him into a hug, wrapping her skinny arms around his broad shoulders. It was surprising that she hadn't full on broken down.

"I love you big brother," Katie choked on her words, her tiny arms flinging around Kendall's waist. She was fourteen now, blossoming into a young woman. And it tore Kendall apart that he was going to miss that.

Please God, no.

"G-good luck man, write us okay? Or give us a call when you get the time..." Carlos instructed him, a crooked smile held to his tan face. It was obvious he was holding back a sob. James didn't blame him. This was the most devastating feeling he had ever endured.

Please no...

"Come back soon," The other friend stated, smiling big, not caring that he was on the verge of crying. Kendall smiled, patting the shaking Logan on the back. It was just so hard.

And then, he faced me.

Kendall...

He just looked so different. Just two weeks ago, they all had been sitting in a high school classroom, laughing and joking about non important things. They were carefree eighteen year old seniors, excited to be getting out of public education for good, and to be heading off into the real world. But now, there they stood in St. Paul, Minnesota, in front of a huge, buzzing charter bus, people roaming every which way around them.

And Kendall looked nearly identical to every single one. Clad in a camouflage uniform, a duffel bag in one hand and a worn down guitar case in the other. James could no longer hold back his sorrow as he stared at his boyfriend. He no longer had the mop of blonde hair covering his forehead. It was shaved, barley showing any trace of the golden hair at all.

He was being shipped to Iraq. Straight into the war zone.

Oh, God.

"James..." Kendall's voice suddenly hitched, dropping his luggage and wrapping his strong arms around James' higher neck. Their grip tightened as the sandy haired teen began to sob into what was left of Kendall's blonde hair. He gasped harshly, trying to inhale his scent. He wanted to hold onto every memory he could. Kendall held back his tears, not wanting to get a hard time by the other soldiers. It was already bad enough they saw him holding another man. But he didn't care...not at a time like this.

"Kendall," James whispered in his boyfriend's ear. "Promise me you'll come back for me," Kendall's breath sharply intook. He pulled away, his emrald eyes glassy and wet.

"I promise."

James held onto Kendall's hands, gripping tightly. Looking down, he caught glimpse of Kendall's gleaming dog tags. Lifting one up, James planted a kiss on the silver material.

"I'll be waiting..." And theyre lips met for the last time. Well, at least for a long while. It was a warm, truley loving kiss. They loved each other so much, this was eating away at their emotions.

It was so hard.

All five of them watched as Kendall boarded the giant metallic vehicle, a swarm of other militants flooding onto the bus. The blonde's face appeared at one of the tinted windows, his eyes staring down at his family. Yes, his family.

It had been just too long to call them friends any longer.

Too long.

And James blew a kiss to his departing love, tears staining his rosy cheeks. Kendall's heart broke in that instant, the bus pulling away, his family gone from his sight. But nevertheless, this was something he felt obligated to do. See, his father had been in warfare, and he had died on the battle field, serving his country.

He had never gotten to meet Katie.

As Kendall's eyes stared blankly out of the window, his seat shifted, causing him to look over. Another solider had seated himself next to him. This guy looked to be about the same age as the blonde, his head identically shaved. His skin was a light tan, his eyes the biggest and brightest blue Kendall had ever witnessed. He glanced at Kendall, a small smile forming on his lips.

"Jacob Aaron," the militant offered Kendall his hand, in which he accepted, shaking it firmly. Jacob's accent was thickly southern.

"Kendall Knight," he replied, wiping a straggling tear from his eye, blushing a small bit from embarrassment. Jacob chuckled. Kendall subconsciously swiped at his forehead, forgetting he had no hair.

"Don't be ashamed to cry, the way I figure, were gonna be doin' a lot of that in the next couple years..."


	2. Part 2

**Thanks for the reviews guys! Much love to all. So, I really look forward to getting into this story. My plot's idea is based off of a movie I haven't even seen, and if I told you what movie it was you would know instantly what would happen so I can't say what it is. :D no worries though, ill try and update this story quickly so I can get to my old ones. :) and okay I must warn you. I know nothing of war terms or anything so bear with me as I pull these military scenes from my ass, thanks. OH, and I've decided I'll Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab For Cutie is the theme song to this fic. So go listen to it, me and ImSoNinja love it. **

**I don't own Big Time Rush or anything else you may recognize in this.**

They watched as the bus' giant wheels began to turn, taking their son, brother, best friend, and boyfriend away to be flown off to a foreign country, battling for their freedom. James, being very upset at the moment, couldn't help but to feel a new found respect for Kendall. This young man was willing to risk all that he had to keep his home safe, and ensure the legacy of his father to live on. James felt a new pride for his love. All the while the nauseated feeling never left the tallest boys stomach. Biting his lip, he held back the urge to vomit. The love of his life was going to be gone for a long time, and he realized, he didn't know if he could handle that.

"C'mon, let's head home," Ms. Knight patted Katie on the back, but speaking generally to everyone. The pain in Challen's voice was obvious as she wiped a bit of leaking mascara from her cheek. The three boys felt for the mother, her mind must have been going crazy at the moment. She had lost her husband to the terror of war, and now her son was off to face the same challenges he had. Turning, they headed towards the parking lot of the bus station. Piling into the red mini van, everyone stayed silent. Their little family was broken.

And tears streaked James' cheeks as he layed his head on Carlos' shoulder, quiet sobs leaving his mouth.

* * *

When Kendall had first boarded the charter bus back in St. Paul, he had felt shaky, quite honestly heart broken. The enormous vehicle was filled with just...noise. Everyone was excitedly talking, like this was a fucking bus to paradise. Most of his teammates had already gotten on his last nerve. Well, at least he had met Jacob. They had talked for the few hours they had been on the plane. Kendall learned that Jacob was originally from South Carolina, was nineteen, and had a girlfriend and baby boy waiting for him back home. He was an all around, good old southern boy.

"So what about you? Got anyone gonna be waitin' on yah?" Jacob asked, adjusting himself in the cushy airline seat. Kendall bit his lip.

"Yeah, and I already miss 'em too," Kendall sighed, staring out of the tiny window to his right. Nothing but giant puffy clouds hovering above a bright blue background. He wondered how close he was to Heaven.

"What's her name?" Kendall hesitated at this question as soon as Jacob had asked. But hell, if he gonna come out with it, it would be best to do it now.

"_His _name is James," The blonde stated simply, Jacob's big blue eyes going bigger than usual. Kendall figured as much.

"Really? I never woulda pegged you as gay. How long yall been together?"

Well, that was unexpected.

"Uhm, about three years," Kendall smiled, remembering his boyfriend back home. Jacob nodded.

"I ain't never been away from Rosey and Bent for more than a coupl'a days..." He glanced down, a despaired look on his face. Kendall felt for him. Jacob told that he and Rosey had been together for six years. They met their freshman year of high school and fell in love. Soon after, in their senior year, Rosey gave birth to Bent, their now one year old son. He had left a family of his own in the states, and Kendall could relate. He missed James with an intensity he had never felt before. He wondered how his mother was going to cope with his being away for two years. And he missed his two best friends, that he viewed as brothers rather than comrades.

At least he had Jacob, who Kendall thanked God for making him so understanding. Sighing, his bloodshot eyes wondered to the window again. The clouds seemed to be getting further above them.

They had arrived in Iraq. Kendall had never felt so scared in his entire life.

----

"And what's your name, boy?!" A man screamed in Kendall's face. He stayed still, not wanting to seem as nervous as he actually was.

"Private Kendall Knight sir!" the blonde shouted back, his emerald eyes staring forward. The man standing before him was, well, huge. He was their commanding officer. He was a tall man, his muscles about to burst from his uniform. His eyes narrowed at Kendall, turning away to look over the rest of the men. Kendall let out the breath he was holding in his chest, exhaling quietly. Jacob gave a snicker beside him, and the blonde smirked, nudging his new friend in the ribs. He felt a little bit better than he had on the plane, despite the jackass that was yelling loudly at some other guy down the line of soldiers.

The weather was scorching in the middle east, and it didn't help that Kendall was forced to wear a dark green uniform of camouflage. Sweat slid down his forehead from under his helmet. This was nothing like Minnesota, he concluded.

He liked Minnesota better.

* * *

James forked up some of his mashed potatoes, slipping the food between his lips. "So I got a call from Kendall yesterday," he broke the silence, swallowing his meal. "He said he's doing real good, but they're actually going to the front lines tomorrow." James frowned, not knowing what to think. His mother and father sat across from him.

"It took them a year to train the damn boys?" James' father stated, cutting into his steak. James sighed. He missed Kendall so much over the past year, it was gut wrenching. But up until now he was fine, not really worrying about his boyfriend's safety. But he just learned he was going off to fight the actual fight. It scared James to no end. Cleaning off his plate and heading to his room, he shut his door, a wave of sorrow suddenly shooting through him, the realization of the situation hitting him full force. He began to sob, tears immediately dripping from his long eyelashes. He leaned against the door, sliding down it until he sat on the floor. He pulled his knees to his chest, his hands covering his sobbing face. Suddenly, a knock sounded.

"James...James David open the door," his mother's voice rang through his ears. Standing up, he opened the entrance, staring down at his mom, the back of his hand wiping at his wet cheeks. Her face suddenly fell as she got a look at her son. "Baby..." she said tenderly, entering his room and wrapping her arms around him. He began to cry harder, just feeling another's embrace making him remember Kendall.

"James, it's okay. Kendall's coming home soon, he's gonna be just fine, I promise," Mrs. Diamond shushed her son, bringing him to his bed and sitting him down next to her. James' hands grasped the back of her shirt, his cries turning into small gasps.

"I hope so," he said shakily, his mother's hand stroking the back of his long, sandy hair. After a while, she had managed to calm him down. The tears had since dried on his cheeks, and his face felt flushed. As his mother left the room, she flicked the lights off, James laying down on his bed. His eyes stayed open in the darkness, his mind feeling blank. He recalled the nights where he and Kendall would lay together in this very room, holding one another in the absence of light.

_"Would you still love me if I went away for a really long time?" Kendall whispered, planting a soft kiss on James' ear as their bodies spooned. James was confused. _

_"Yeah, why would you ask that?" James wondered. Kendall stayed silent for what seemed to be eternity. _

_"No reason..." _

James closed his eyes finally, praying to God. "Please, let him be okay. I love him more than anything in this world. Please God, _keep him safe."_


	3. Part 3

**This chapter pissed me off. You know why? Because I was typing it on my cell phone, then all of a sudden my blackberry decides it wasn't to be a dick a erase the 800 words I wrote. I'm about to cry, haha. WELL, it has come to my attention that some people are getting frustrated with me not updating fast. okay, that's understandable. But please let me inform you that I DO NOT HAVE A COMPUTER, LAPTOP, OR THE CAPABILITY OF UPLOADING ON MY PHONE. I only get to use a computer about twice a week, IF I'm lucky. So please, cut me some slack and knock it off with the hate mail, thanks.**

**I don't own Big Time Rush or anything else you may recognize in this story. **

The night's sky blanketed everything around the truck in darkness. There was no road to guide them, so Kendall couldn't figure out how the driver was finding his way along. He also couldn't count how many times he had almost been bumped from his seat as the tires of the vehicle rolled over rocks and dirt. But it wasn't his job to figure or count...it was his and Jacob's job to scope out the enemy and snipe. They were sharp shooters.

Kendall, Jacob, and their commanding officer sat in the bed of an army truck, riding to their destination. They were told that the rest of the soldiers were coming at sun rise, and that Kendall and Jacob were to sleep at their post tonight, readying themselves for the up coming day. A nervous lump had formed in Kendall's throat when he had heard this news, and hadn't stopped growing since. He knew tomorrow was to hold horrors, killing, and battle. He hadn't anticipated that he would be this scared, but hell, he was. And this all came back around once more as they arrived at their post. Unloading from the vehicle, Kendall and Jacob gripped their guns tightly, the tan sand from the dessert forming around their boots. "Welcome home boys."

They walked up one of two stone flight of stairs, hearing the sound of the truck's tires dig into the gritty sand as it pulled away. Finally reaching the top, they stepped into a somewhat small room, the walls, floor, and ceiling all made from the same grey stone as the steps were. On the floor, there were two sleeping bags, wonderful. Jacob steadied his gun against the wall, stripping himself of his uniform's hot jacket. Kendall sighed, propping his weapon on the ground before walking to the giant opening in the front of the wall, where they were going to be shooting. The night's breeze was dusty, causing the blonde to squint his eyes. The only thing he thought of was James. He remembered back to a year ago, when he promised his boyfriend he would be back, standing before him in Minnesota. Kendall gulped dryly, realizing that he may not be able to keep that promise. "Are you ready?"

Turning, Kendall looked down at Jacob, who layed on his side on one of the sleeping bags, clad in a white wife beater and uniform pants. Kendall had never noticed the tattoo on his comrades arm before. It's design was simple, cursive letters in black and white, a small red heart at the bottom of the lettering.

**_Rosey & Bent_**

Hesitantly, Kendall shrugged his shoulders, joining Jacob on the sleeping bag next to his. He un buttoned his jacket, letting it fall from his body. "I guess so. I mean, we don't have much of a choice now..." Kendall laughed nervously, knowing that what he was saying about being ready was a lie. He was basically shaking with fear at what tomorrow had in store. Killing. Kendall had never taken another man's life before, and honestly, he didn't feel capable of doing so. But it was too late now. There was no turning back. As the blonde layed down, the cold metal of his dog tags touched his skin, causing him to shiver. Kendall slipped the necklace over his head and layed it on the floor, his green eyes staring out of the building's opening.

* * *

The night's darkness had quickly faded into scorching sunlight as the day wore on. Kendall's eyes squinted as he pursed his lips, sucking in the poisons of his slim, white cigarette. As he let the thick smoke bellow from his mouth, the blonde studied the object between his fingers. James never liked it when he smoked, especially around him, but Kendall was nervous, and everyone has there muses. As he crushed the butt of the cigarette onto the stone wall, he flicked it out of the opening, sighing as he stared down. About a dozen military Jeeps and transport trucks circled around their post, their comrades filing out one by one, their fighting gear on. He was thankful he wasn't down there, like the rest of them. Kendall was about to pull another cigarette from his pack when all of the sudden, the small radio they had been given began to sound with static.

"Base to Sector 184, are you in position?"

Kendall reached for the walkie talkie, Jacob standing to attention behind him. The blonde's thumb pressed the _TALK _button, his breathing becoming a little heavy.

"Sector 184 to Base, copy that." There was a short pause.

"There's an enemy group of four heading your way from about eighty meters away. We're gonna need you to take them out." Kendall could feel his breath hitch. This was it.

"Copy that Base."

Setting the hand held radio down, Kendall turned, seeing Jacob's bright blue eyes filled with something he had never seen before. Worry. "Don't just four of 'em comin up by themselves seem a little weird?" The southerner wondered, setting his sniper onto a tripod hooked to the opening of the post. Kendall did the same, his eyes looking away at the question. Yeah, that was really odd. Why would just four of the enemy walk up to the front lines, not even a tank with them? Shaking his thoughts, he remembered his orders. He put his face up to the scope on his gun, looking through with one green eye.

And there they were. A group of foriegn looking soilders, heavily armed. Kendall became uneasy instantly, his throat tightening at the sight of the actual enemy that he and Jacob had been trained to kill. He never anticipated being his nervous. Kendall was not ready for this.

"On my count," Jacob started, making Kendall more anxious then ever.

"Three," Kendall felt a bead of sweat roll from his eyebrow.

"Two," His finger tensed on the trigger of his gun. He could feel his heartbeat thump through his teeth.

"One." And he pulled back, feeling the weapon jerk towards him as the bullet blasted through the barrel. He continued to watch through the scope, his eyes widening as he watched two of the men's heads suddenly yank backwards, a spray of red mist shooting from their faces. But there was no time for a breath, as two of the soldiers remained unharmed. Within seconds, they were laying on the ground, bullets between their eyes as well.

Kendall stepped back from his weapon, his expression a mix between fear and relaxation. His eyes darted over to Jacob, who held a similar look on his face. But then, he grinned. "Oh man, I can not believe we just..." Jacob sighed heavily, putting a smile on Kendall's eased face. The two began to laugh, still a little unnerved from the situation. Their first kills were finally over. But suddenly, everything went white.

Kendall fell to his knees, a piercing, high pitched noise ringing his eardrums. A blinding light had blurred his vision, his hands flying over his ears. Thick, white smoke began to engulf the tiny area, filling Kendall's lungs. And then, it registered.

A flash grenade.

Coughing, he stood to his feet, grabbing for his pistol. As the smoke began to clear, he opened his eyes, gasping at the sight before him. Three alien men, dressed in dirty, wrapped cloth stood in front of him, one of them holding Jacob. A long, jagged knife was held to his throat. And the only thing Kendall could think of at the moment was, _"How could their teammates let this happen?" _

The three enemy soldiers began to yell in a language Kendall had no knowledge of, but from what he had learned at base, it he concluded it was probably Arabic. The blonde felt paralyzed with fear, his heart beating uncontrollably fast. Jacob's hands were held behind his back, his neck muscles straining to get as far as possible from the blade. Kendall layed down his desert eagle, holding his hands up in surrender.

"I-I'm sorry...I don't understand..." Kendall stuttered out, the men still yelling their foreign words. Then, to the horror of Kendall and Jacob, the man on the very left ripped his jacket open, reavealing a makeshift looking bomb strapped to his chest, containing about four sticks of TNT. Kendall felt a dry lump form in his throat, as though he was about to vomit everything he had eaten in the past week. And he clenched his teeth, knowing that his promise to James...

could not be kept.

**One Week Later.**

"Okay, Wellman would've gotten the shot if Schultz hadn't gotten in his way!" James defended, leaning back in his chair as Carlos nodded, agreeing with his statement on the last Minnesota Wild's hockey game. He and Carlos sat at a kitchen table, across from Logan, who shook his head.

"Oh, would you boys stop fighting, the food is almost ready," Lilah, Logan's fiance smiled as she stood at the stove, tossing around some stir fry in a skillet. The microwave's timer went off, and she grabbed the contents from inside of it, shaking it and testing some on her wrist. "Here you go baby," Lilah smiled, walking to the table and handing her daughter a warm bottle of milk. Alysia gladly took it in her small hands, beginning to drink. Logan smiled, staring down at his daughter as he held her in his arms. Suddenly, the doorbell rang through out the home.

"I'll get it," Logan rose from his chair, strolling over to the door. James and Carlos turned their attention to Lilah and Ms. Knight, who was over at Logan's house also, helping Lilah prepare the meal. The only person not attending the little get together was Katie, and that was because she was spending the night at a friend's house. Striking up a random conversation as Logan went off, the door could be heard opening. As they talked about nothing in particular, the brunette and his child appeared from behind the wall, another guest behind him. A tall, built man clad in a camouflage uniform, his chest decorated with various pins and medals stood in the living room. Everyone ceased talking as the man removed his barrett, his face looking somber. "This is Sgt. Mason..." Logan introduced the dark skinned man.

"I've come to inform you on some news we at the home base received yesterday." Sgt. Mason furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at the wondering expressions on the people's faces. James stared at him, his hazel eyes beginning to shake.

"Private Kendall Knight was killed in a bombing a week ago...I'm so sorry for your loss."

The spatula that Ms. Knight held in her hands was heard hitting the tiled floor of the kitchen, her eyes beginning to fill to the brim with tears. The room was completely silent, that is until James spoke up.

"N-no, please tell me you're kidding..." The sandy haired boy stood up, his vision blurred, his head spinning as he stared at Sgt. Mason. The tall man just shook his head, his lips tightly closed together.

"Oh God! No! No no, not my baby! God, no!" Ms. Knight finally shrieked out. She stepped towards James, falling into his arms, her sobbing breaking the silent air. James could feel his chest tighten, his nostrils beginning to flair. His throat began to close, his lips trembling as he began to hear Carlos, Logan, and Lilah whimper. His legs began to shake, and he stumbled forward, letting go of Ms. Knight. He fell onto his knees, his breath heaving in and out. As he took one large gulp of air into his lungs, he then let out a terrible cry, the tears overflowing into his red cheeks.

James felt bile rise in his tight throat, and he was on the verge of puking his stomach up.

Kendall was not able to keep his promise.


	4. Part 4

**I got a review saying I should have this flashback. So, I'm going with the idea, because i like it. Hopefully i can get out of the crazy writers block I'm in and update at least three other stories tonight... hopefully. Flashback is in italics, and its also in James' POV. The rest of the story will not be his POV.**

**I do not own Big Time Rush or anything else you may recognize in this.**

_It was one of those nights._

_One of those nights where Kendall and I were laying on my bed, his body behind mine, curved into my shape. The lights were out, and we were silent, listening carefully at the music of the rain, patting against my window, sliding down the transparent glass. I could hear and feel his breathing on my neck; the heavy and nervous breaths he would sometimes get. But these were somewhat different...they were hitched._

_"Kendall. What's the matter?" I asked softly, feeling his breath stop all together when I spoke. It was dead silent for what seemed to be eternity, but then, he sighed._

_"I'm so scared," the blonde finally admitted, his grasp around my toned waist becoming somewhat tighter. I felt his heart begin to thump, a strange feeling welling in the area around my sternum. The room was enveloped in a dark blue, the absence of light covering most of the space around us. I bit my lower lip, as I knew what my boyfriend was speaking of. I had hoped the matter wouldn't arise this night...his last night. _

_But how couldnt it?_

_Kendall stayed quiet for a little longer, his breath steadying smoothly against my skin. "James...you know I love you, right?" _

_"Of course," I sighed. "I love you too Kendall." The sound of the tapping rain seemed to calm us some, but not much. The tension was thick, and things needed to be said. There was one thing I really wanted to ask._

_"James...I'm gonna be gone for a long t__ime_," _Kendall started, his throat sounding a little more dry than before. I closed my eyes...I knew it would come to this. But I guess procrastination is the worst way of realizing denial. I held back tears. "...will you wait for me?" _

_"I don't want to wait," I suddenly said, outward and not really regarding the way my boyfriend could have taken it. I turned back to look at him. His emerald eyes, glossy and wet, shimmered in the soft light, and then, I knew he took it wrong. "Baby, no! I didn't mean it like that. I meant...I don't want to wait for you to come back..." My heartbeat was so prominent in my ears. This was what I had been anticipating. "I want you now." _

_I leaned down to his face, my hands grasping his soft jaw line, and i peered into his eyes. They looked, alluringly confused, as if he was in the shock of the moment. "James, are you...are you sure?" Kendall looked so innocent, his hands wrapping around my wrists. I gave him a soft look, but no doubtingly telling him that yes, I was in fact, ready. My head tilted down, feeling the soft warmth of his lips contacting mine. I brought myself over, laying my body on top of his, letting the sheets slide from us. Our shirtless forms were reveled to the chilling air, our skin using friction to melt the goose bumps away. I felt his tongue begin to enter my empty mouth, my taste buds savoring the flavor of Kendall. A soft, vibrating moan came from the depths of my throat as I felt his strong hands caress my sides, slipping underneath my sweatpants, grasping my butt. _

_"Kendall," I purred into his ear, my tounge slidding over his neck, his flesh between my sucking lips. He shuddered underneath me, his palms squeezing around me. I felt myself becoming hard, as his thigh ground up, brushing roughly into my crotch. I could feel him too as his hips came up, his manhood rubbing against mine suddenly. I took in a sharp breath of air as I sat straight up over him, straddling his thin waist. His hands were still underneath my boxers as I felt a single finger penetrate my virgin hole. I cried out, the feeling so new and odd. My face must have held an unreadable expression, as Kendall stopped._

_"Are you okay?" he asked genuinely, my lip clenched between my teeth._

_"God yes." _

_It felt like nothing I had ever experienced before as his finger continued to sink further, hooking so slowly. I could feel it brush along my spot inside, and I almost cried out, but held it back, forcing it to come out as a pleasured groan. Soon, my pants were removed, as were his. He now had two fingers inside of me, stretching my hole, preparing me. Soon enough, I was ready. _

_I was scared, yes. A million thoughts were racing through my brain in the few seconds before it happened. Would it hurt? Would it feel good? Will Kendall like it? Opening my hazel eyes, I stared down at my boyfriend, looking into his eyes once again. They seemed dark, lust overflowing them. His expression was wild, filled with bottled up passion that was about to finally be released. How long had he been waiting for this moment?_

_"Ready?" Kendall asked, his hands now holding my hips above his nude waist. I swallowed dryly, giving him a small smirk._

_"As I'll ever be," I breathed shakily as I felt his hands begin to lower my body. I held in a gasp as I felt his length touch me for the first time, and then, begin to slowly slide inside of me. _

_It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life, but I kept it in. Because when I saw Kendall's face, the pure, luminous pleasure his expression held, it began to make my pain fade. His entirey soon was inside of me, as I felt myself sitting on his lap, his cheeks (and mine) burning hot with affection. A short breath passed my lips as I began to raise myself, feeling his length slippling out of me. But as I came back down, a wave of amazing pleasure shot through my stomach, his tip hitting that spot. _

_We made love that night, for the first...and last time. I remember vividly as I gently swayed my hips, I opened my eyes, looking down at his face. There he was, Kendall Knight. His tough exterior was broken, cracked as his raw emotion arose, his eyes becoming watery. I began to feel strange, a fresh tear rolling down my cheek as I rode him softly. Leaning down, I pressed my lips to his, our kiss shaky and loving. And the only words I remember saying were so simple, yet ment so much to him and I._

_"I will always love you," _

* * *

James sat in his room, the door locked, the lights off. A slow and steady rain was falling on the outside world, a place the sandy haired boy had not been in two weeks. The only people he would see were Ms. Knight, Logan, and Carlos. He hadn't even seen Katie since the news. Her mother told James that she took it very roughly, and James' heart was just not strong enough to witness that. Especially not now.

The teen layed on his bed, his pillow clutched to his face. He inhaled deeply, trying to regenerate the scent of Kendall in his mind. Even if the smell was far gone on the physical aspect, James would never forget it, ever. The sweet scent of coco butter. The solitary boy never did figure out why his boyfriend smelled this way, but he didn't care. He loved it.

He adored it.

No one was home at the moment. This made James even more depressed. Even if he wasn't associating with his parents much, the sounds of another's life filled a little of the void. But right now, he was all alone. Suddenly, the teen was jolted out of his thoughts as he heard the door bell ring. He waited for a few moments. "Maybe they'll go away," he thought, burying his face further into the pillow. The ringing became frantic.

"James! James answer the fucking door, for God's sake please!" A voice screamed from outside of his window. He rushed over to the glass, peering down at a soaking wet Carlos in the middle of the culdesac, waving his arms above his head. James opened his door quickly, running down stairs to let his friend in. Carlos entered, his face obviously not only moist with rain, but with tears as well. He was shaking, his body nearly on the verge of convulsing as James sat him down on the couch. The Latino said nothing, only shaking his head, muttering "no."

"Carlos, tell me what happened! Carlos!" James took him by the shoulders, shaking him. The olive skinned teen looked startled as he stared at James, his eyebrows furrowing.

"M-Ms. Knight, they...I just went to check on her, I just- oh God why?" Carlos began to sob uncontrollably, his hands clutching the front of James' sweater. The taller boy pulled Carlos away from him, looking him straight in the eye.

"Carlos! What happened to Ms. Knight?"

The Latino's face scrunched in complete agonizing sadness, barefaced tears streaming down his pale cheeks.

"She- she fucking killed herself!"


	5. Part 5

**You guys, I am so sorry I have been so lazy on this story. So many people are getting angry with me for not updating soon. Like, haha one person on DA commented its been like over month! haha shit, im so terrible. I just really don't wanna rush this along and make it shitty towards the end, you know? thanks for anyone who remembers to read this. And sorry if there's any grammar or spelling mistakes, my spell check is being a scrub. T_T**

I don't own Big Time Rush or anything else you may recognize in this story.

Since Kendall's death, things back in Minnesota had been taking a straight downfall. Carlos had come running to James' house a week ago screaming and crying about Mrs. Knight killing herself, which James hadn't believed at first. Carlos was always so eccentric, he thought he might've just had a really bad nightmare. But Carlos had gone into so much detail, it made the sandy haired man physically ill.

_"I-I walked in, and I just heard screaming so I ran into Mrs. Knight's room, and Katie was just-" Carlos paused to let a choked sob leave his throat. James had never seen so much fear and angst on Carlos' face. "-Katie was on the floor, holding Mrs. Knight. And-and there was just- blood splattered all over the wall and, fuck, she didn't have a fucking face anymore James, she-oh God," Carlos felt the vomit rising from his throat into his mouth. James was so stunned by what he was hearing he just started to cry, his pupils shaking and his heart racing like it was a mother fucking track horse._

Katie was a complete and utter mess. Not that it wasn't expected, but still. Logan and his fiancé agreed to take her in, seeing as how she had no existing family left. They both thought it would be best anyway, they didn't want to see the girl they had watched grow up be sent off to some foster home with God knows who. And besides, she was the last remembrance of the Knights they had to hold onto. James wasn't going to let that slip away. As of now, James was packing up his clothes and belongings into a large, black suitcase. He pulled the last sweater from his closet, closing it, revealing his mother. She was leaning into his door frame, watching him with glistening hazel eyes. The brunette stared at his mother, gripping the article of clothing a little tighter in his strong hands.

"James, honey, are you sure you want to do this?" She asked a little depressingly as her eyes followed her son walking across the room, folding the grey sweater and laying it in his big suitcase. James sighed as he felt his mother's small hand grasp his shoulder.

"I have to Mom." James zipped up the luggage, turning to face his shorter mother. She looked sad, but no tears were coming from her eyes. She seemed to understand, for the most part. Everything that her son had been going through had effected greatly on his once vibrant personality. He was beginning to deal with Kendall's death a little bit better, but then Mrs. Knight had to go and blow her brains out, ruining everything. James felt a little selfish for thinking that, but hey, the love of his life was blown up, dead. He was entitled to think whatever the fuck he wanted.

James needed to get away from the memories. His house, his room, _his bed._ It was all proving too much for James to handle at the moment.

James embraced his mother and father, their expressions weary as they watched the all too familiar black Jeep pull into their driveway. They walked their son to it, both of them giving weak smiles to the driver, Carlos.

"Hey son," Mr. Diamond patted Carlos on the back as he hopped out of the car, coming about eye level with James' mother.

"Hey Mr. and Mrs. Diamond," Carlos crookedly smirked, glancing over at James. There was a long pause. Carlos seemed to do that when he was thinking, or just being akward. "Are you ready James?" He asked with a small voice, earning a nod from his best friend. The Latino helped James load his boxes and suitcases into the trunk and backseat of the Jeep before they both climbed into the vehicle. James' mother leaned in, touching Carlos' shoulder.

"Take good care of him," She softly whispered, kissing his tan cheek gingerly before pulling back, watching him nod with a reassuring smile. Turning to look through his rear window, Carlos shifted the Jeep into reverse, pulling out of the short driveway, and onto neighborhood street.

Carlos unlocked the door his apartment, letting James walk in first, since he was holding two suitcases and a duffle bag. The taller boy had been over to Carlos' plenty of times, but now, he was going to be permenatly staying. Carlos knew what he was going through, and thats exactly what he needed at the moment. Someone who felt the same.

Someone who understood.

The place was not big whatsoever, but it was quite nice. Carlos had a good sense of design, James thought. "Here's your room," Carlos said, opening a bedroom door, leading James in. It had a bed and a television, and the walls were painted a soothing tan color. It was plain, but the taller man didn't hate it. It was a nice change of pace from his increasingly messy room back at his parent's house. James layed his things down on the bed, sighing. His eyes traced the stitching in the black cover, thinking about his own bed, and the memories of Kendall he had left in it.

Turning around, the taller boy smiled half heartedly, and Carlos could tell it was pained, his sadness masked by his expression. He walked forward, wrapping his arms around James' waist, pulling him in close. James smirked. He was so short.

"C'mon, let's get some dinner." Carlos' head tilted up, staring at his best friend with big, caring brown eyes.

Soon after, Carlos and James sat on the big black couch, curled up in blankets with Chinese food in their laps. Some random television show was playing on his flat screen, but the two weren't really paying attention. They were too enthralled in their conversation, reminiscing on the memories of their high school days. This was the first time James had been able to talk about his passed boyfriend without breaking down into tears. He was actually smiling.

"Oh oh! Do you remember the time when we put Kendall's trampoline in Logan's pool?" Carlos laughed, his mouth full of sesame chicken. James grinned, recalling the look on Mrs. Mitchell's face when she walked onto their patio, seeing the four boys bouncing up and down, water splashing everywhere. That was the day Logan had come up with the phrase, _"I've gotta get new friends."_

"Or how about sophmore year when we put a slip n slide in the upstairs hallway?" James chuckled as he attempted to pick up noodles with a pair of chop sticks, being unsuccessful. Carlos busted out laughing at this memory, almost spilling his food everywhere.

"Oh my God, Mr. Johnson chased us around the building for like an hour!" Carlos leaned over, picking up his dropped fork from the carpet. When he came back up, his face went stone. James had a suddenly dismal look in his hazel eyes. They had turned dark, clouding with dispair. His fingers held the thin chop sticks between them, shakily. Carlos was immediately concerned.

"That was the first time me and Kendall ever kissed," James sat still, his vision beginning to blur from the abrupt tears that filled his eyes. Carlos quickly set down his food on the glass coffee table, taking James' plate away from him as well.

"Come here," Carlos softly whispered, scooting next to his friend, letting his shaking body fall into his smaller curve. James buried his face into the crook of Carlos' neck, letting himself fully cry now. "It's okay James, it's gonna be alright," Carlos smoothed his hair, shushing him as he began to feel the wetness on his neck slide down. James moved closer to his friend, his hand gripping the front of Carlos' Minnesota Wild sweat shirt.

"He was everything to me Carlos, _everything._" James sobbed, feeling the Latino's embrace tighten. His body was warm and inviting, making James melt into his arms. He hadn't had someone hold him like this since Kendall was alive.

"I know he was James, I know," Carlos comforted James, rocking back and fourth slowly, letting his body warmth melt into his pale skin. James just whimpered, his cheeks hot with the blood flowing to his face.

Carlos held James for what seemed like countless hours, humming softly into his ear and soothing his choking cries. The shorter man began to hear oscitant noises, telling him that James was probably drifting asleep. Not bothering to wake him, Carlos leaned back, letting James' body spread across his, laying down. Nuzzling himself into the thick blanket, the Latino was not too far from sleep either. He stared at the ceiling, listening to the quiet sounds of James sleeping, feeling his friend's chest fill with air at every soft snore. Carlos was absent mindedly stroking the back of James' head, and he bent his neck, kissing the top of it. Inhaling the flowery scent of James' shampoo, Carlos closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.

_He layed there with eyes blankly open, pain radiating through his abdomen and thighs. This wasn't ordinary pain either. It was extreamly firey, as if someone had taken a flame thrower to his body. No matter how much surgery they performed on him, he knew in the back of his mind that he would never be the same again. Gripping the plastic railing connected to the bed, he forced himself to sit up, staring down at his mutilated body. It wasn't even emotionally painful to him anymore. He just was just ready to go home, away from this nightmare of a place. But he knew that wouldn't be happening, at least not until the next six surgeries were complete. He lowered himself back on the stiff bed, sighing. There was only one thing he wanted. Just to see his family._

Just to see James. 


	6. Part 6: Replacements

**Well, there seems to be a problem with the story! Haha its not a big one, but in the army/military etc. they have the 'don't ask don't tell' policy that totally slipped my mind while I was writing this. For those of you who don't know what that is, its a rule that the armed forces has banning gays. So in the first chapter when Kendall is kissing James in front of everyone, yeah. He would have been kicked out of the army for that. BUT, since this is my story I don't care! Ha, thanks for all the awesome reviews you guys!**

I don't own Big Time Rush or anything else you may recognize in this story.

James' eyelids lifted slowly, the sounds of the television fading into the background of his hearing. He shifted uncomfortably, not even remembering going to bed the previous night. Giving a drawn out yawn, James suddenly felt the surface beneath him move. Confused, he opened his tired eyes, finding himself to be laying on top of Carlos. He furrowed his eyebrows at the somewhat provocative position the two were in, his legs straddling one of Carlos', and Carlos' hand's resting on the small of his back.

James' entire body felt stiff as he slowly crawled backwards, trying hard not to wake his peacefully sleeping friend. Being successful, the he stood on the tan carpet, letting his tired joints stretch as he yawned again, looking down at Carlos. He smiled at him, listening to the small snoring noises coming from his mouth. James leaned down, pulling the blanket that he and Carlos had been sharing up, covering the Latino's chest. He stirred restlessly for a moment, but then snuggled deeper into the warm cloth as James began to walk into the kitchen.

_"Mphm, James..."_ Carlos subconsciously murmered, catching the said boy's attention.

"Yeah Carlos?" James called out, waiting for his friend's response. He stared at Carlos' face for a moment, looking at his slightly agape mouth close and open again, realizing he was still sleeping. Finding himself gazing at Carlos, James tore his eyes away, padding softly into the kitchen. He sighed, rubbing his eye with his fist as he rumaged through the refrigerator to find a carton of orange juice. He shivered, the sudden cold giving him goose bumps.

Taking the orange juice out, he opened the cap, tipping it back and drinking a swig of it. He wiped his mouth, setting the juice back into its rightful place.

James walked down the small hallway of the apartment on his way to brush his teeth, when he caught himself peering into Carlos' bedroom, the door slightly ajar. He reluctantly stepped forward, walking into the room, looking around. To James' suprise it was completely clean and organized, no clothes on the floor, the bed neatly made and tucked. He moved to the dresser, spotting a leather back book sitting on top the wooden surface. Being as curious as he was, he stepped forward, picking the book up into his palms.

"Photo Journal," James read the cover quietly, opening it to the first page. He was finding out things about his life long friend that he never would have expected, especially that he did photography.

The front page was blank, besides Carlos' handwritten signature, but when James turned the page, he found a beautiful, vibrant picture and a story along with it. The photo was of Carlos and his grandmother when he had taken a trip back to his birthplace, Venezula during their Junior year of high school. James smiled, remembering just how young Carlos looked back then, his hair slighty curled from the humid, tropical air. He skimmed through the story because honestly, it was a little boring. But James adored all of the pictures in the book. Flipping through, he saw photos of his family, and a lot of him, Logan, and Kendall.

As the journal neared the end, James was now just quickly turning each page, but then, he stopped. His face went completely still as he stared down. At the head of the paper it read:

_**Kendall's Last Day.**_

James' smile faded into a soft frown as he peered down at the picture glued to the paper. It was the only black and white photo in the entire album. The memory shot back through James' brain like lightning as he looked at the page, his face blank but his heart racing.

There he was, in Kendall's arms once more, the shorter man standing with his shaven head tilted slightly forward, a small, sad smile on his mouth. Those glorious dimples were sunken into his cheeks, as always. James stood in front of his boyfriend, the blonde's dog tags pressed to his lips. Even though the image was still, James watched the scene play out in his head as if he was being held by the apparition of Kendall himself.

James stepped back, falling to a sit on Carlos' bed as he peered at the open journal with wet eyes. He hadn't even realized the Latino was taking pictures that day, much less of this, the most memorable moment he had ever shared with Kendall. Suddenly remembering that Carlos wrote a story next to every picture, he quickly glanced over to the writting on the following page.

_"I promise," was the last thing I ever heard him say. But that was Kendall, the one always thinking of others before himself. Even if he was about to be shipped off to the war. He was literally one of the most amazing people I had ever met, and probably ever will meet. I came to the state of Minnesota, the only foriegn kid in our first grade class, and Kendall asked to sit by me so that I would have someone to talk to. The day he asked James out was one of the days I saw him the most happy. We had just gotten in trouble for putting a slip n slide in the hallway of school, and James was so anxious, I thought he was going to explode, or something. Anyway, while James is going on and on about how he's gonna be grounded and never gonna be able do whatever, Kendall pushes him against the wall and just kisses him. I thought my jaw was literally going to hit the floor, but when Kendall pulled back saying, "will you go out with me?" I couldn't help but to grin, because James just had the stupidest look on his face, it was so funny. I admit, I felt a little envy, but whatever makes James happy. I seriously loved them as a couple. When we got the news on Kendall dying a few weeks ago, I felt my own heart break, not only for myself but especially for James. I know he loved Kendall, we all did. But I know for a fact that James will get through it, because he is one of the most strong willed people I know, and I love him. So, so much._

James had himself in tears by the time he was finished reading the passage. He never in his wildest dreams thought Carlos cared about things this much; admitedly, it made him feel really shallow. He forced himself to flip to the next page, but it was blank, not being filled in yet.

Closing the book, James set it back in place, wiping his eyes in the vanity mirror atop the dresser. Turning to walk out of the bedroom, James stumbled, as he had bumped straight into Carlos. "I-I'm sorry dude," James sniffled a bit, trying to hide the fact that he had been crying. Carlos just yawned, his eyes still closed from sleep.

"Its cool man, just need a shower..." the sleepy Carlos sighed, lightly pushing his way past James as he ran his fingers through his natural curled hair. As the door shut, James just stood there, leaning againt the wall next to Carlos' room, hearing the shower's water turn on. He felt a fresh tear roll down the side of his face. But he wasn't thinking about Kendall...he was picturing what Carlos had wrote.

_"But I know for a fact that James will get through it, because he is one of the most strong willed people I know, and I love him. So, so much._

xxxx

This felt so new to him, so odd. It was as if he had reverted back to infancy, learning to walk all over again. He dreaded the feeling. The feeling of not being in control of his own body, like he was a fucking puppet or something.

"Okay, nice and slow for me now," a man said as he steadily held Kendall's wheelchair in place for him. The blonde gritted his teeth as he gripped the two railings on either side of his body, lifting himself slowly from the chair. His right knee felt incredibly stiff, and the pain shooting through his left thigh was excruciating.

"You're doing real good. Try and take a few steps," the physical therypist encouraged Kendall, who furrowed his eyebrows in aggravation. This was so damn hard. He winced as he stuck his right foot out, taking a small step in front of him. "Good! Now try the other leg."

Kendall would have turned around and punched the guy, if his body wasn't so damn weak.

He bit his lip, staring down at his shirtless form. Various scars and cuts lined his abdomen, stitches sewn into one of them. Enhaling a deep breath, Kendall watched as his new, metalic left leg took its first step. The sound of gears and mechanics could be heard as he bent the prosthesis, making him close his eyes.

As Kendall continued to walk forward, his eyes shut tightly, he saw the visions, or rather, the memories that so often came back to his mind. The reminders of what he had seen.

Blood, spurting out like a water hose had been stepped on, then released. He remembers it spattering across his face, the smell of copper stinging the air.

The last plea from Jacob before they slit his throat. 


	7. Part 7

**Thank you guys so much for all of your great reviews! They get me motivated! If you want to keep up with mine (and ImSoNinjoe's) updates and to talk about new plots and ideas, follow us on twitter: DinoShapedNinja. And thanks again! I'm sorry for the short length and quality of this chapter, I promise the next one will be better.**

I do not own Big Time Rush or anything else you recognize in this.

_Kendall felt a dry lump form in his throat, as though he was about to vomit everything he had eaten in the past week. And he clenched his teeth, knowing that his promise to James..._

could not be kept.

More threatening words spilled from the seditionist's mouth as he pressed the jagged blade to Jacob's unshaven throat. Kendall stood helplessly, the confusing dialect meaning nothing to him as he held his hands up in surrender. His green eyes flicked back and fourth between his friend and the makeshift bomb, the man's palm resting beside the detenator.

Kendall swallowed loudly, begging silently to God to spare his life. As the men were yelling, the blonde caught something gleam in the corner of his eye, but paid no mind to it. He was focused mainly on Jacob, who had closed his own eyes, in attempt to steady his breathing. Kendall could only imagine what was going through that man's head. Rosey, Bent, his family.

"Kendall...tell 'em I love them," he suddenly spoke, his southern voice reflecting the affliction in his heart. The blonde stared at his comrade for a moment, but opened his mouth far too late to respond.

The blade cut so smoothly, so quick across his pulsing flesh that Kendall hadn't even realized it happened until moments after. A spray of crimson painted Kendall's pale, dirty face, the tangy metal taste entering his mouth. He blinked his emerald eyes, stumbling back a few steps before catching his balance, his boots heavily banging the stone floor.

As Jacob's corpse lifelessly toppled to the concrete, Kendall's hands had come down to shield his face. The split second after his friend had been murdered, the man had hit the activation mechanism on the bomb, causing it to explode. Tucking himself into somewhat of a ball, Kendall threw himself down the rock hard staircase behind him, rolling down to the bottom level. Coming to a stop, the blonde's head smacked into the concrete, knocking him straight out. God had answered his plea for life.

But at what cost?

"Wake up blondie, wake up." Kendall opened his eyes slowly, groaning at the splitting headache he was enduring. The first thing he saw was Nurse Madison, her bright, sweet smile welcoming Kendall awake.

Madison was the only person he had been able to get along with in the medical wing. She was a heartfelt woman, in her late twenties. She had always brought him his food, and held meaningful conversations with him when no one else would. But for some reason, Kendall had yet to share his name with her, or anyone else here, so she had taken to giving him a nickname.

"C'mon blondie, today's the day," the brunnette grinned, helping Kendall sit in his hospital bed. Today was his last scheduled surgery, and he couldn't be more thrilled, yet frightened. The doctors would be implanting the small electronic device in his head that would asist him in control of his new, mechanical leg. Kendall slouched and stratched his hair, smiling at Madison's beautiful hazel eyes. They reminded him of James'.

The squeeking of the wheelchair's wheels could be heard as Madison rolled Kendall down the long hallway, down to the surgery prep room. "So, you finally gonna tell me your name in case you don't come out alive?" The dark haired woman grinned, stopping at the door. Kendall laughed, looking up at his long time friend. It had been eight months since he came here.

"Kendall Knight," he smiled, rolling himself into the room. As he disappeared behind the door, Madison began to walk back to her other patients. She thought about that name, suddenly remembering hearing it a while back, when a bombing had occured. She recalled treating 'blondie' for burns and cuts, but he had never told her the story. Biting her lip, she turned, making her way to the bustling lobby to use the telephones.

"Hello, can I speak with Sgt. Mason please?" Madison mindlessly twirled the phone cord in her delicate fingers, waiting for whoever had answered to fetch him.

"Sgt. Mason speaking." his booming voice came over the reciver, alerting Madison at once.

"Hello, I'm Madison Bowman, a nurse at Base 425's medical ward in Iraq. I was wondering if you had any information on a Private Kendall Knight?" there was a long pause.

"Private Knight was blown up in combat about one year ago along with Private Jacob Aaron, why are you asking mam?" Madison gasped quietly at what he had said, furrowing her dark eyebrows.

"That's impossible, Kendall Knight is a patient here."

xxxx

It had been days since James had read Carlos' photography journal, and he couldn't get the words to leave his mind. Everytime he saw Carlos with the leather book now, he felt a terrible, the same guilt ridden feeling take over him. He should have never been curious and snooped around in Carlos' buisness, let alone his personal journal. But what aggrivated James the most was the unknowing. What had Carlos meant when he said those things?

He'd have to get over it for the time being. Today, he and Carlos were driving out to Logan's house to visit and see how Katie was doing. When James had spoken to Logan over the phone, he told him the sixteen year old was getting along just fine, despite being acutley sensitve now. She would let no one touch her. James sighed, feeling his sandy colored hair blow back in the wind.

"You think she's alright?" Carlos asked loudly over the noise as they drove with the Jeep's top down. James closed his eyes at the sound of Carlos' voice, thinking of those damn words again.

_"I admit, I felt a little envy, but whatever makes James happy."_

"I don't know. I'm just really glad were going see her. We haven't been to Logan's in forever anyway," James ran his long fingers through his swirling hair, glancing over at Carlos through dark sunglasses. The Latino appeared so peaceful when he drove, inspite of his firecracker attitude. The sun glowing on his bronze skin, the soft smile playing across his lips as he hummed the words to the song on the radio. James could feel his heart thump loudly in his ears.

_"I love him. So, so much,"_

"Hey you guys!" Logan opened the door to his home, a big, welcoming grin on his face. He closed the door behind the two friends, embracing them in a long overdue hug. "I feel like I haven't seen you two in forever," Logan's toothy grin was just as perfect as ever.

"James! Carwos!" They suddenly heard, laughing as Alysia toddled up to them, extending her tiny arms to Carlos.

"Alysia! You're getting so big!" Carlos smiled, lifting her, imitating an airplane as he swooshed her through the air. James shook his head before they all walked into the living room. Lilah and Katie sat on the leather couch, watching television. They both looked over their shoulders and stood, and James was taken back. That was not the Katie Knight he had grown to love.

She wore a black Vneck and grey skinny jeans, dark shadow and eyeliner covering her sweet brown eyes. Her hips were wide and her waist was curved. She wasn't a little girl anymore, that's for sure.

"Its so good to see you," James grinned, leaning in for a hug, only to have Katie flinch back, her hands to her chest. Her expression was startling. Oh yeah, no touching.

"You too James," she returned to him an symppatheic smile, staring at him with slightly scared brown eyes. As she walked over to greet Carlos, James watched her, feeling her old presence had died completely. Katie was no longer a mischievous and happy young girl, but now a dark and dreary one. It broke his heart, knowing that she probably wasn't over what had happened, and was bottling it up.

She said hello to Carlos, then sat by herself at the kitchen table, her chesnut hair falling into her face. 


	8. Part 8

**Sorry to keep you guys waiting! This chapter is dedicated to ImSoNinjoe because she hasn't been feeling too good, so pray for her! :)**

I do not own Big Time Rush or anything else you may recognize in this story.

After a the meal Lilah had prepared was enjoyed by her family and guests, Carlos had offered to drive Katie and Alysia down to the Blockbuster and pick up a movie or two. As the trio left the house, Lilah turned to Logan, who was currently helping his wife wash the tableware.

"Logan, you should go talk to James," The brunnette suggested as she placed a plate into the dishwasher's rack. Logan's eyebrows rose as he nodded, his gaze turning to Lilah.

"He did seem a little off tonight didn't he?" Logan scrubbed a fork with the soapy sponge, handing it to Lilah. She leaned to her side, peering out of the back porch's glass doors. James was sitting on one of the wooden chairs, staring blankly into their backyard. The sandy haired man hadn't said at most five words at the dinner table that evening, and it worried his friends.

Lilah sighed, promptly taking the sponge and fork from her husband. "Go on," she smiled softly, placing the fork into the dishwasher and pecking a spry kiss to Logan's cheek.

"Hey buddy," James turned as he heard his friend greet him, putting on a warm smile.

"Hey," he simply replied, accepting the beer Logan had handed to him. Logan sat down next to James, taking a quick swig of his beverage. He cleared his throat roughly, the alcohol not tasting particularly as good as he recalled.

The two stayed silent for a long moment, listening to the crickets and other insects play their natural melody. The sky was painted with an array of purples, pinks, and oranges as the sun was just barley peeking over the horizon. Logan turned to James, serching his face for any clue of what was troubling his younger friend. Finding nothing, Logan felt his stare fall down to his beer bottle, shifting it in his hand, thinking of the right thing to say.

"What's going on dude?" Logan finally says, causing James to furrow his eyebrows at his friend's restless tone.

"What do you mean? Nothing..." James' hazel eyes turn back to the yard, watching a lone leaf tumble across the grass.

"James...if this is about Katie or even Kendall-"

"Its not." James interrupted, his voice dipping a little lower in pitch. Logan looked at James for a moment, trying to decipher what was going on in his friend's mind. Not about Kendall or Katie? What else was there troubling him?

"James, you've known me you're whole life. Were like brothers man. You can tell me anything," Logan watched James' expression intently as he spoke. The taller man sighed heavily, setting his bottle onto the glass patio table and leaning forward, burying his face into his palms, elbows resting on his knees.

"I loved Kendall," James began, and Logan blinked slowly, knowing he had been right. "But, its been so long since he's been gone and-but I feel so guilty...and confused."

Logan knitted his eyebrows together, setting his beer atop the table as well. "Guilty and confused about what James?"

The taller man lifted his head, revealing his irritated, reddening eyes. Leaning back to sit in his chair, he sniffled slightly as he ran his hand through his long hair. "I went snooping around in Carlos bedroom, and I read something I really don't think I should have," James admitted with a breaking voice, the back of his hand swiping underneath his running nose. "And-and I just don't even know what to think about it,"

Logan's hand reached forward, grasping James' knee, gesturing reassurance. "Tell me James."

James choked back a small cry, his eyes closing as he felt the firm grip on his leg tighten. He didn't want to say it. James wanted to just calm down and tell Logan it was a joke, but the pain, the _guilt_ was eating away at him. He was going to fall apart if he didn't let his monster of feelings out.

"He said that he was envious of Kendall; that he fucking _loves_ me," James let out, finally letting a tear roll down his face. Logan was completely shocked, never knowing Carlos was homosexual.

"-But that's not the reason I feel so guilty," James continued. He leaned down once more, his hands pushing the hair from falling in his face. "Logan, I think I'm starting to fucking love him."

Logan watched as James began to sob, his back hunched over pathetically. The shorter man moved closer to his friend, pulling him up by the shoulders. Their eyes locked, and Logan could literally feel James' regret pouring from him.

"James, Kendall has been gone for a long, long time. If you're starting to feel something for Carlos then its okay. Kendall would've wanted you to be happy, not miserable the rest of you're life." Logan had begun to tear up himself, a small smile on his lips. James cleared his throat of one last choking cry before wiping his wet face with the sleeve of his jacket. "Please James, whatever you do, don't feel guilty."

Logan leaned forward, capturing his friend in a long overdue embrace, holding him tight. Sure they had known each other for quite some time and were very close, but the past year had taken them through trials they never wished to experience again. Ultimately, they had become better friends than ever before.

"Thank you so much Logan, for everything." James laughed, patting his friend on the back before letting go.

"Dad?" The two suddenly heard, and turned, seeing Katie in the open glass door. James was taken back, hearing her call Logan that. It just seemed so weird. But then again, Katie had never experienced a father figure in her life, and James understood why she would want to call Logan that. Technically, he was her 'dad' now anyway.

"Yeah sweetie?" Logan replied like it was the most natural thing in the world. Katie stood for a moment, her hands akwardly in her jean's pockets.

"Can I talk to James alone?" Logan stood, wiping his eyes as he nodded, walking through the open door and into the living room. Katie closed the opening, standing beside James as he remained seated. Her chesnut once again fell into her beautiful face, her timid brown eyes peering from behind it.

Suddenly, she came forward, wrapping her arms around James' neck. James blinked in suprise, but then smiled, pulling her into a hug.

"Logan is right you know," she whispered, her grip never dying. "He would've never wanted to see you sad."

James realized at that moment that Katie had been the closest person to Kendall other than himself. He buried his face into her small shoulder, feeling that connection he had been craving for so long.

"Tell Carlos." Katie suddenly pulled away, her mascara smearing underneath her eyes a bit as she smiled. James rubbed the blackness away with his thumbs, giving the teen a toothy grin.

"How long were you listening to us?" James chuckled, holding her round face with his palms. That was something that hadn't changed about Katie, her adorable baby face. She laughed too, refreshing James to finally see her smile once more. "C'mon, let's go watch the movie."

Later that night, James and Carlos had drivin home after watching a couple of movies at Logan's house.

"I don't care what you say, Shutter Island was a great movie," Carlos yelled while brushing his teeth, his speech a little muffled by the toothpaste filling his mouth. James laughed from down the hall, opening the fridge to pull out a can of Coke.

"The ending was completely predictable and I don't think Katie should have been watching it anyway. I don't know why you even let her pick that out," James argued, poping the tab open on his drink and taking a sip, sitting himself down on the living room couch. As he flipped the television on, Carlos walked out from the hall, wearing a pair of black boxer briefs and a white V neck.

"Katie is sixteen years old! When we were that age we were watching all kinds of rated R shit," Carlos chuckled, taking a seat next to James on the sofa. James laughed at this, remembering how scared Logan would get when they all went to see horror movies.

Carlos leaned himself back comfortably as he watched the program play on the television, all the while thinking.

"You seemed to get Katie in a better mood tonight." He spoke nonchalantly, leaning forward to take a swig from James' can. The taller man's eyes stayed set on the flashing screen. "What'd you guys talk about?"

James leaned his head to the side, resting it in his palm as he watched the show. His eyes suddenly flickered down to his lap, a small smile on his lips.

"We uh- we just talked about something that had been bothering me latley," James shrugged, looking over as Carlos set the can onto the coffee table.

"Somethings been bothering you? Why didn't you tell me?" Carlos' tone suddenly had turned very serious, leaning forward to get a full view of James' face. The taller man sighed, feeling his own breath pass slowly between his lips. He met Carlos' gaze, their brown eyes locking on one another intensely.

"Carlos...I read your photo journal."

The Latino blinked for a moment, his brain not being able to form the right words as he processed what he had just heard. A rose color flooded to his cheeks, knowing immediately that James was going to reference the last page he had written. And he knew he should be angered that James went through his personal stuff, but really, for some odd reason, he wasn't.

"I read the page about Kendall leaving, and I - I was really confused about some of the things you said,"

"James, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't feel that way about you," Carlos stopped him, shaking his head slightly. "-but I can't help it."

James' cheeks had become hot. He felt his stomach churn beneath his skin, tickiling his insides. He smiled, having not felt that sensation since Kendall and him had shared their last kiss. He suddenly found himself leaning in, grasping Carlos' soft face.

"Whatever you do, don't feel guilty," James smiled softly before pressing his mouth against Carlos', feeling the tingling response of lips to lips contact once again. Carlos closed his eyes, feeling his long time fantasy come to life, James' warm hands rubbing along his jawline.

The kiss lasted for a few, long awaited moments before they both pulled away slowly, their eyes half lidded and sultry.

"I love you too Carlos, I love you so fucking much," James' eyebrows turned upwards, his eyes glistening before he leaned in once more, pushing his quivering lips against his friend's.

Carlos moaned quietly into James' mouth as it opened up, letting the Latino's tonuge slide past his lips.

xxxx

"Damn...I had to see it for myself," Sgt. Mason shook his head as he smiled, standing beside Kendall's bed. The blonde laughed, shaking the man's hand for the first time in a long while.

"Its good to see you Sgt. Mason," he smiled, running his hand over his freshly shaven head. The surgeons had to do this to insert the chip into the back of Kendall's head. The built man looked over his former soldier, a grin stuck to his face.

"I heard you got a new leg," Sgt. Mason's eyebrow rose as Kendall laughed darkly. He lifted the thin sheet from his body, showing off his metallic left leg.

"Yep, it'll be fully functional once I get used to controlling the sensor in my brain," Kendall sighed, pushing the covers over his lower half again. Sgt. Mason nodded, patting the blonde on the back.

"You're very brave Private," the tall man smiled as Kendall thanked him.

After speaking for what seemed to be forever, Sgt. Mason was forced to leave, visiting hours nearly over.

"So, ill call back to Minnesota tonight to let everyone know the good news?" Sgt. Mason stood, peering down at the tired Kendall. The blonde suddenly had the realization that his friends and family, especially James and his mother didn't even know he still exsisted. It was going to be at least three more months before he was home...

He thought for a moment, then turned to look up at the Sgt.

"Don't. I want it to be a suprise." 


	9. Part 9

**Good Lord, I kept you guys waiting long enough, and I feel like a dick for it. Sorry if this is a little too short for your tastes, but I'm just trying to get this story kicked off again, you know?**

I do not own Big Time Rush.

His lip slid between Carlos', wet and hot, being tugged out like a string of pink bubble gum. James' hazel eyes were fluttering, intently staring at his boyfriend's rose colored cheeks; down the sweat slicked, naked body that hovered over his own.

Dark colored eyebrows knitted, Carlos' tight body being opened up as James slid inside for the first time, deflowering him.

The noise that left Carlos' throat was pitiful sounding, sensual to James' ears as his lip twitched, watching his boyfriend's face skew beautifully.

This would be one for the journal. But with this entry, no photo.

xxxx

Logan was coming to visit the couple at the apartment, leaving Lilah home to spend the day with the girls. It had been quite sometime that Carlos and James had announced their relationship, from what Logan could recall. He was happy for them, estatic really, because James had been so offputtingly depressed for the longest time, and he despised seeing his best friend like that.

Carlos really seemed to make James forget all of the horrid events of the past few years; mold him back into the carefree, bubbly person James always had been. Logan thanked God every night for that.

"Hey buddy," James opened the bage door to the apartment, greeting his brunette friend with a warm smile and a big hug. "It's been awhile."

"Yeah, the ER has been really busy latley," Logan smirked, sheading his black jacket and hanging it over the back of the couch. "You guys been doing alright?"

James smiled genuienly. "Yeah, we've been gettin' along,"

As James lead Logan over to the kitchen, the scent of saucy, rich tomato filled the air. "You didn't tell me Logan was coming over!" Carlos turned, his hand that had been stirring spaggetti halting. Logan smiled, holding out his arms. The apples of Carlos' cheeks went up as he grinned as he laid down the spoon, wiping his hands on a dish rag and pulling Logan into a quick hug. "You staying for dinner?"

xxxx

He sighed nervously, his fingers twiddling themselves at the sides of his jeans as he walked down the familiar driveway. Before stepping onto the porch, he glanced over at the large tree that shadowed most of the green lawn, remembering all of the wonderful things that had happened there.

_Kendall's hands gripped onto James' as his friend pulled him up, his worn-out Vans scrapping against the bark of the tree. Now resting on a thick branch, the blonde glanced down at his dangling feet, then back up to his boyfriend._

"The green leaves bring out your eyes," James laughed, watching Kendall smile cheesily.

"Do they now?" He grinned, framing his face, vouge style. James giggled lowly, leaning forward.

Smooth fingertips ran across Kendall's forehead, brushing his golden hair from his face. "You're always gorgeous."

The two sat there for a while, leaning against the main trunk of the tree, letting their legs fall asleep as gravity pulled them. The soft, warm breeze blew past their bodies, giving them a graceful sensation.

"Kendall?" James said suddenly, quite softly. The blonde teen's eyes remained closed as his head leaned against the wood. "Yeah James?"

There was a pause, the only sound to be heard was the chirping of birds, and a far away lawnmower.

"Have you ever felt so emotional when you think about someone that you just want to cry, in a good way?" James wondered, his voice shyer than usual. This question caused Kendall to open his emerald eyes, glancing over at his boyfriend.

"Yeah James, I have."

Their first I love yous were spoken in that wonderful, huge tree.

He told himself he wouldn't get emotional before he saw _him._

Taking in one last anxious breath, he pressed his fingertip to the button, hearing the musical chime faintly from behind the door. Waiting, he bit his bottom lip in, watching from the paned glass beside the door as Mr. Diamond trotted down the steps inside. The door suddenly opened, and the long haired man peered out.

The older man's eyes went completely wide, his mouth dropping apart slightly as he looked down at Kendall Knight, in the flesh.

"Kendall?" he asked, as if his eyes were deciving him. Smiling, Kendall ran his hand over his shaven head akwardly. The blonde decided he grown accustom to his hair short, so he kept it. "It's been a while Mr. Diamond."

James' father was in what seemed to be total shock, staring at his son's former boyfriend, or so he thought.

"Kendall, we...we all thought you were dead." His voice shook. "Its good to see you boy," Mr. Diamond smiled, grabbing Kendall's hand and pulling him into a manly hug. The blonde grinned further as they pulled away.

"So, where's James?" he asked anxiously, watching the father's face suddenly turn dark, maybe even grim. Kendall knitted his eyebrows, giving a questioning look to his boyfriend's father.

"He's...he's out right now. Why don't you come in and I'll give him a call?"

xxxx

Laughing, James leaned back in his chair, listening to Carlos tell Logan a funny story. He tipped back his beer, swigging some of the crisp beverage down his throat before his cell phone caught his attention. Setting the drink on the table, he fished the vibrating device from his hoodie's pocket, checking the caller ID.

"Hold on one second guys, it's my Dad," James smiled, holding up a finger to the two as he got up from his chair, walking to the living room as he answered. "Hey Dad,"

"James...you need to come over." his father replied, his voice whispering raspily.

"Dad, what's the matter?" The brunette asked a bit frantically, wondering what his father sounded so worried over. There was a short pause, James awaiting his dad's answer.

"Its Kendall. Kendall is here," he said, sounding a little breathless. His son furrowed his brow, his face turning confused.

"What are you talking about Dad? Kendall's dead," James shortly laughed, looking back at Carlos and Logan, who were enjoying their meal. Another pause.

"No James, he came back." Mr. Diamond replied could feel the sensation begin to build up, his heart dropping down into his stomach. This couldn't be happening.

"Kendall's alive." 


	10. Part 10

**Wow! Thanks for sticking around guys! I thought I wasn't going to get many reviews since I took forever to update, but you guys pulled through! Thank you and again, sorry this is so short!**

I do not own Big Time Rush.

A quivering sensation began to make its way through James' long legs, his stomach lurching as he hung up the phone with his father. Could he be pulling a prank on him? Surely his Dad wouldn't do that, but the longer James stood in his apartment's small living room, the more he wanted to believe it was true.

And the more he wanted to belive it was true, the more he contemplated on what to tell Carlos, his new boyfriend.

"Hey guys, uh-my Dad wanted me to go over and help him fix something at the house," James' body appeared at the kitchen's entrance, causing Carlos and Logan to disregard their conversation.

"I'll come in case you need an extra hand," Carlos smiled, taking Logan's dish in one hand and his own in the other as he stood, walking towards the sink. James's breathing hitched.

"No no no, Logan came to visit! Just chill out here with him and I'll be back in no time!" The long haired man exclaimed, suspiciously more excitable than he was before he took his father's call. Carlos flinched at his loud tone.

"Are you sure?" the shortest man offered again, his eyebrows knitting together in curiosity.

"Yeah, its just a little thing," James smiled widely, grabbing his black peacoat from the closet and slipping on his shoes. Leaning into the kitchen, he gave Carlos a peck to his lips, waving at Logan before he walked out the door.

"Okay...did he seem a little off to you?" Logan looked up at Carlos, who's face was still concerned. "Yeah..."

xxxx

Pulling up to his parent's home, James' heart began to thump wildly, wondering of everything this situation had in store. How did Kendall turn up alive? Why did it take this long to find out?

James pushed his key through the lock and turned it, slowly opening the front door. "Hello?"

Mr. and Mrs. Diamond appeared at the top of the staircase, smiling down at their son before glancing back as Kendall came up beside them.

It all ran through James' head again. Their last kiss, their oversea phone calls, when he found out the love of his life, _his world_, was dead. And now...

Tears pooling in the bottoms of his eyes, James ran up the stairs, pulling Kendall into a strong, long awaited hug. James' parents had retreated to their bedroom to let them catch up.

"Kendall...God am I dreaming?" James whispered in the blonde's ear, his hands gripping the back of his shaved head. Kendall's face was buried into James' shoulder, inhaling his beautiful scent.

"Its me James, I'm home," Kendall breathed, his voice muffled as he cried into James' coat. The taller man could feel his former lover's hot breath seeping through his clothing, tinging his skin as he pulled away. Kendall brought his thumbs up, wiping James' wet, hazel eyes. "I'm here,"

Leaning up, Kendall pressed his lips to James' feeling that special, familiar sensation he had been craving over the past couple of years. James nearly melted, his hands reaching to grasp Kendall's soft face, pulling it closer for a more indepth moment.

"I missed you _so so_ much," James cried against Kendall's lips, tasting him for the first time in what seemed to be centuries. It was exactly the same as he remembered, sweet and musky and hot.

Passionate.

Their legs bumped against one another as they shifted, and James furrowed his eyebrows, pulling back from the kiss. "Kendall...what is that?" James asked, staring down at his leg, sniffling. It had felt as thought he had clanged his knee against something hard and metal.

Sighing, Kenda grasped James' hand, looking into his eyes intently. "There's a lot I need to tell you."

In that moment, the realization came crashing down onto James' shoulders. There was so much he needed to inform Kendall on. His mother had killed herself, Logan had adopted Katie as his own, and...

James' eyes suddenly got big, remembering the loving boyfriend he left confused, standing in his kitchen back home.

_"Oh God,"_ James panicked in his mind, feeling Kendall's calloused hands grip his, leading him to the couch.

And he knew at that moment that his situation was about to become fucked up beyond belief. 


	11. Part 11

**You guys are amazing, giving me my first story with 100+ reviews! Adressing one of the things that were said to me about reading a story the person wrote, I'm sorry but I don't really read Big Time Rush stories anymore. Really, I don't even read any fan fiction anymore, I just publish. Sorry! Oh, and who else picked up the new BTR album? MYGOD. It is so amazing.**

I do not own Big Time Rush.

James squeezed his eyes shut, falling against the arm rest of the couch as Kendall shoved himself into his hold, sobbing uncontrollably. He hadn't heard Kendall cry like this since his dog had died in middle school.

Smoothing the back of Kendall's short hair, James kissed above his ear, rocking him in his arms. He had just told him about his mother, how she had killed herself some time before, and Kendall apparently was not ready for his Earth to shatter.

"James, how'd she do it?" The blonde suddenly whispered shakily against James' neck. The taller man was thrown completely off guard by that question, not really knowing how to respond. Afterall, she _did_ blow her brains all over the wall...

"She uh-she shot herself Kendall." James plainly said, his voice dry as he closed his eyes again, hearing his former lover groan against his chest, crying harder than before. "Its only because she thought you were dead, she loved you,"

Kendall's pathetic looking expression made James' stomach lurch as the blonde lifted up his head to look at him. "I know but-God I didn't think I was gonna come back to this..." He furrowed his eyebrows, choking back his tears as he let James wipe his eyes.

"Your dad told me you moved into an apartment..." Kendall leaned against James' chest again as the long haired man peered down at him, thinking to himself, _"did he tell you it was Carlos'?"_

"Y-Yeah I did," James simply replied, biting back his lower lip nervously. Kendall snuggled closer, his stray tears soaking a small spot onto James' shirt. "Can I stay with you tonight?" He asked, his voice heartrending.

"No!" James jerked up, holding Kendall by the shoulders suddenly. The blonde blinked, his green eyes staring at the man, puzzeled. James smiled, catching himself acting strange.

"I mean, my apartment is being sprayed for uh-bugs," James lied, looking at Kendall's realization. "Oh, then where were you when your Dad called?" James swallowed.

"At work," he fabricated again, not even having a job. "I'm staying here anyway,"

xxxx

Sitting on the couch, Carlos curled himself up in the white fluffy blanket James had bought him for Christmas. As he watched the horror movie playing on the television, the home telephone rang, causing Carlos to jolt in suprise.

"Jesus..." he shook his head, standing up to walk into the kitchen. He shivered as he threw the blanket onto the couch, only wearing a grey sweat shirt and black boxer briefs, the cold tiled floor of the kitchen only making it worse.

"Hello?" He grabbed the phone from the wall, leaning against it. He smiled as he straightened his black glasses, hearing James' voice.

"Hey babe, uh-my Dad wants me to stay over for tonight so I can get up early with him and fix the...bathroom sink." James whispered, rolling his eyes at his stupid excuse. Carlos' face scrunched.

"Why do you sound do quiet? And nervous?"

"Parents are sleeping, gotta go babe, love you," James whispered again, snapping his cell phone closed, leaving Carlos standing alone on the other end.

"Uh, okay...love you too," he scowled, talking to noone as he placed the phone back on the wall. He was utterly baffeled on what to think about this. James' dad had never asked his son to come over and fix anything before. Needless to say, James wasn't really the fix-it kind of guy...at all. Clicking the television off, Carlos grabbed his soft blanket, walking to his room, closing the door with force.

xxxx

Shoving his phone into his pocket, James sighed, running his fingers through his long, sandy hair. Standing in the bathroom, he looked up at himself. He could almost feel his reflection staring back at him in disgust, calling him a flithy liar. Feelings being so severely conflicted was something James had never experienced before.

Yes, he loved Carlos, with all of his heart, but Kendall was his very first love. He had strong feelings and attachments to both of the men, and again, he could feel his stomach twisting into guilty knots again, feeling as though he should have told Kendall about his new boyfriend.

But tonight, as James left the bathroom and opened the door to his old room, seeing Kendall laying on his bed shirtless and vulnerable...well. That brought back some interesting memories. But then, he saw the scars.

"James..." The blonde whispered, wiping his puffy red eyes for the hundreth time that day. James shut the door behind him, his heart thumping widly as he advanced toward Kendall, staring down at him. The shorter man sat up shakily as his love sat next to him on the small bed, making all his weight shift to the left. Kendall's eyes were downcast, looking embarrassed as he felt James gazing at his chest and abdomen.

Reaching forward, James ran his fingers down Kendall's longest and thickest scar, which ran from the bottom of his left pectorial to his naval. "My God Kendall, what happened to you?"

Kendall's chest rose slowly as he inahled deeply, closing his eyes to let a single, pained tear slide down his face. "There was uh-some of the enemy snuck up on me and my friend," Kendall began, wanting more than anything to not relive this event again, like in his nightmares.

"I watched them kill him, then...they tried to blow me up."

Sharply breathing in, James could feel his features begin to change, his eyes beginning to burn with wetness as he stared at Kendall's expression. It was so intense, a mixture of agony and pain.

Suddenly, Kendall extended his leg, gripping the bottom of his sweat pants. He pulled the leg of them up, revealing his metallic, manufactured leg. James' eyes went big, his hand covering his mouth as he examined the piece of machinery.

"Oh God Kendall..." James sobbed out, running his fingers up the cold, lifeless metal. The blonde took ahold of James' hand, leading his fingers up to the back of his head.

James could feel a small scar at the top of Kendall's neck. "That's where they put the chip, so I can control the leg," he said weakly, frowning as his eyes shifted downward.

"No matter what Kendall," James' hands came forward, gripping the man's face, bringing it up to look at his.

"You'll always be beautiful."

Kendall choked out a small cry, nodding as James kissed his forehead. As they layed down, James caressed Kendall's face, running his fingers behind his boyfriend's ear. "What was your friend's name?"

Kendall closed his eyes, sighing as he remembered his partner, the last person he ever thought he'd see.

"Jacob Aaron."

_**One Day Earlier**_

The first thing Kendall was determined to do when he arrived in the states was to see to it that he kept loyal to Jacob's last wish.

Arriving at a small home in South Carolina, Kendall climbed from the backseat of a taxi, handing the driver money before he began walking up to the front door. The base he had been stationed at had been generous enough to give him Jacob's adress.

An American flag flew strong over the house's front porch.

Smiling widely, Kendall came face to face with a woman holding a toddler on her hip. She was beautiful, long brown hair flowing down her shoulders, a dust of freckles going across her cheeks. "Rosey?"

"Yes?"

"I'm Kendall Knight, I was stationed with your boyfriend overseas. I was sorta his partner." He softly smiled, watching as her face fell a bit. She glanced down at her son, Bent, and opened the glass door dividing her and Kendall.

"Please come in," 


	12. Part 12

**I think I'm getting into the writing groove again! Its Christmas time and 1st semester is almost over! I know that I have a bad habit of writing a story and then not continuing it, but I promised myself this story would be the one I vow never to quit on.**

I don't own Big Time Rush.

Kendall had fallen into sleep quickly that night, his brain over-worked from all of the bad news loaded into it yesterday. The sun was now creeping through the blinds on the window of James' old bedroom, blanketing it in a soft morning glow.

James was propped up on his elbow, tilted to the side as he traced around the tattoo between Kendall's shoulder blades idly. The blonde was silently sleeping, turned over on his stomach.

The war had seemed to deal a great blow to Kendall, James thought. But nothing would ever change the charismatic hockey player...ever...

_Knock-Knock-Knock_

Turning suddenly to face the door, James watched it open, his mother standing in its opening.

"James..." She spoke sternly, seeing Kendall's shirtless form laying next to her son in the bed. This made James carfully depart from the blonde's side, quietly walking over to join his mother in the hallway. She closed the door behind James, looking up at him with troubled eyes.

"James, how could you?" Mrs. Diamond shook her head softly as she watched her son's inarticulate expression. "How could you do this to Carlos?"

"What do you expect Mom? He just got back from the fucking war!" The tall man whispered angrily through gritted teeth, aggitated that his mother would expect him to not be there for Kendall. Her eyes became wide, her face fuming with anger.

"James David, do NOT talk to me like that!" She commanded him, poking a finger at his chest. He knew he had gone a little too far cussing in front of his mother, so he sighed, fingers running through his tangled hair. "Mom...I love him."

The small woman's face went sympathetic, exhaling as she saw the look in her son's eyes. She knew then and there as his hazel iris' shook, that he didn't know how to deal with this confliction. "I know baby, but what about Carlos?"

Gulping saliva down his dry throat, James leaned against the wall, closing his eyes and tilting his head up. "I love him too..." He suddenly began to whimper, his bottom lip quivering as if he was a broken-hearted teenager. Mrs. Diamond moved in front of her son, holding him tightly in her caring arms.

"Shhh baby, its okay. You'll figure something out..."

_xxxx_

Confused, Kendall looked back at James as he slipped on a nice button-down shirt. "Where are we going so early?"

The taller man smirked, tugging a grey blazer over a black V neck as he studied Kendall's clueless face. "You'll see."

As the two got into James' car and began to drive, James couldn't help but to feel Kendall's anticipation to see where they were headed. The day was thankfully bright and warm, a clement brezze blowing past the car.

"A church?" Kendall said blatently, seeing a large brick building approaching. A skinny brown cross was sticking from the top of it's pointed structure, cars filling the parking lot. "Yeah, thought it'd be nice to go on your first Sunday back." James smiled, getting out of the black vehicle.

As Kendall followed behind James, he wondered if he had gone here often, seeing as how he knew just where to go. As they came upon two white double doors, James pushed them open gently, leading Kendall in as the entered the sanctuary. A service seemed to be already in session, the preacher standing strongly on the stage.

The two sat in the very back row of chairs, Kendall looking around awkwardly. He was glad James was doing something nice for him, but Kendall was just catching a weird vibe from his boyfriend as he glanced at him.

"And now, its time for our singers to close out our service," the preacher annoucned loudly, smiling as people began to appear from behind the stage doors. James was grinning widely, causing Kendall to furrow his eyebrows at him. "What are you so happy about?"

"Look," James nodded toward the stage, sending Kendall's head turning to it. When he did this, a pang of emotion swept over his heart.

There, in the middle of the dimly lit stage was Katie, so grown up and beautiful. She stood between two women, obviously being the lead vocalist. Kendall almost choked on his breath.

_"Open the eyes of my heart Lord. Open the eyes of my heart. I want to see you...I want to see you."_

He was blown away. Katie's voice was immaculate, heaven sent as she lit up the stage with her pressence. Kendall's green eyes were becoming wet, his vision blurred from the tears in his eyes. Katie's fingers came up to tuck a lock of her chesnut hair behind her ear.

_"To see you high and lifted up! Shining in the light of your glory! Pour out your power and love, as we sing Holy Holy, Holy."_

James' arm found it's way around Kendall's shoulders, seeing a tear drip from his dark eyelashes. "She's beautiful James," he cried, staring up in wonderment. He couldn't believe his baby sister was a flourishing teenager, singing in front of hundreds.

When the song was over, Kendall clapped harder than he had in his entire life, wiping his wet eyes on his shirt sleeve. The congregation began to drift from their seats, the two men staying in their place until only one family remained.

"You sounded beautiful today," Logan smiled to his daughter as she walked off stage and to her family. Lilah held Alysia on her hip, smoothing her dress as she stood with her husband, beginning to walk down the aisle of chairs. Suddenly, she stopped. "Uh-Logan,"

"What ba-" Logan began to speak, but was met with his own voice hitching in his throat. As the family stared down the walkway, the spotted James, and another familiar face. "Oh my God."

Walking up beside of Lilah, Katie stared down the aisle, her brown eyes wide and her expression turned blank.

"K-Kendall?" She whispered to herself, squinting to get a better look at the man standing next to the door. _No, it can't be,_ she thought quickly, but when her brother's lips pulled into his familiar side smile, Katie's eyes began to sting with tears.

"KENDALL!" She screamed, a grin amazingly wide on her reddened cheeks as she ran towards him, her long hair blowing behind her. The blonde man's heart pumped rapidly as his baby sister came crashing into his arms.

"Oh my God, Kendall! I-Kendall, I- oh my God!" The teen sobbed heavily into her brother's chest, her mind speeding a mile per minute.

It was so good to feel the blood bond reunited between the siblings, tears falling from their exhaulted faces.

"I missed you so much Katiedoll," Kendall whispered into his sister's thick hair, his eyes closing in pure happiness. 


	13. Part 13: Sharpnel

**This chapter was written so spontaneously! I guess you can call it my Christmas gift to you readers! Love you all and hope you guys have a very happy holiday!**

I don't own Big Time Rush.

His finger laced into the small sliver of space between his cell phone, flipping it open indolently as he sat at his kitchen table. Carlos was all but happy at the moment as he stared at the many squares of tile on the burnished floor, thinking of James.

His boyfriend had been acting so oddly, giving him such a short and rushed conversation the night before, which was something that James never did. It was as if he was attempting to hide something from him, but the most aggravating aspect of the situation was that Carlos really had no idea what was going on. The dark haired man leaned forward, sighing wearily as he flicked open his phone, going down his line of contacts until he reached the name _Jamey._

The line rung quite a bit before James finally picked the call up. "Hello?" His voice matched the same discreet tone he had used the previous night. Carlos cleared his throat quietly.

"Hey babe, what's up?"

Distant voices could be heard in the background of the call on James' end. "Oh-I'm at Logan's picking up something for my Mom." The only part of that sentence that wasn't a lie was that he was actually at Logan's home, however, his mother didn't even know.

"Really? What's she want you to get?" Carlos interrogated, feeling as if his boyfriend was lying. Although, he could definitely hear Lilah's voice in the background. There was a short pause, James trying to think of an answer.

"Uhm-her uh, sweater! She left it over here when she came to babysit Alysia last night. I'm just picking it up for her really quick."

"Are you gonna be over there long?" The raven haired man was already walking to his room.

"Yeah probably," James replied without thinking through his response. Carlos pulled his glasses from his face, slipping his contacts from their cleaning soultution.

"Well alright, are you gonna come home tonight? I need to know what you want for dinner,"

Closing his eyes in disoreintation of his thoughts, James was finding it harder and harder to deal with this external and internal warfare between his feelings. "Can you make my favorite?" He weakly smiled, opening his hazel eyes.

Opening the closet door, Carlos pulled out his Minnesota Wild sweat shirt, hastily yanking it over his head. "Enchiladas it is," Carlos replied, slipping his grey Toms onto his feet and grabbing his car keys.

The phone call was ended, but Carlos was determined to get to the bottom of James' weird behavior. Walking down the apartment stairs, he reached the parking lot, climbing into his car.

xxxx

James closed his eyes once again, holding his phone to his chest as he leaned against the wall. He had been shadowing himself in the hallway right outside of the Mitchell's living room, telling his friends he had to use the bathroom.

This was just too callous of James, disregarding both of his lover's emotions in such a selfish and egocentric way. His mind was swiriling with thoughts of apprehension, just not knowing what to do with this whole disorderly situation.

Breathing in deeply, James turned to join his friends in the living room, when suddenly, he was met by Logan, standing there with his arms crossed tightly athwart his chest. "My room, now."

At that moment, James felt his heart climb into his throat, knowing that had infact been found out. Logan's hands pushed him through the door of his and Lilah's bedroom, closing it behind himself and locking it. The shorter man did not turn around at once, leaving James feeling more fear of his friend's reaction.

"Are you fucking kidding me James?"

Logan's voice was grim as he turned finally, his unbelieving eyes staring straight into his guilty friend's. James was left speechless, having never seen Logan this threatening looking before.

"What the hell are you doing man?" The dark haired man almost growled, attempting to keep his voice down in hopes for his family and Kendall not to hear.

"Logan I-" James began, only being interrupted quickly.

"I was okay with you and Kendall coming here, but I am certianly NOT okay with you not telling Kendall that you and Carlos are together. And I'm sure that means that Carlos doesn't even know Kendall's back yet," Logan stepped a little closer. "What do you think Carlos is gonna think when he hears about this shit?"

"You don't think I've thought about that? Dude, I'm going crazy over it! I had to tell Kendall Carlos is visiting family!" James' cheeks were growing increasingly hot, the blood rushing to his tanned skin. He could feel the ominous swelling underneath his eyes, tears about to break the surface as he looked at Logan's stern face. He was mirroring the exact expression Mrs. Diamond had held on her face that morning.

"James, I know its probably hard to deal with all of this right now, but you gotta come clean to them. I'm sure they'll understand." Logan came forward, pulling his long time friend into a warm and comforting embrace, calming James down.

"Just...give me one day Logan. I'll figure something out."

Wiping his wet eyes and feeling a pat on the back from Logan, James followed the shorter brunette out of the room, smiling as he spotted Kendall walking out of the front door and onto the porch.

Following the blonde out the door, James saw his boyfriend pulling his pack of cigarettes from his back pocket, capturing one between his thin lips and drawing it out, lighting it accordingly. "Still smoking? I thought I told you to stop that."

Kendall's attention was turned toward James, who was closing the front door, smiling teasingly at him. The blonde smirked as he sucked in, the ashed end of the cigarette glowing a brilliant orange for just a moment.

Opening his mouth, fine grey smoke bellowed from it. "I can't stop; it makes me look too cool." Kendall laughed shortly, holding his arm out to wrap around James' waist as the taller man approached.

"But it makes you taste like an ashtray," James grinned, leaning down at to place his lips against Kendall's, disregarding the risk of second hand smoke. The blonde laughed again, his grip tightening on James' side. Their eyes locked as Kendall brought the cigarette back to his lips, sucking in the poisons.

"I really missed you," Kendall blew the smoke to the side out of coustesy of his boyfriend as he said this, his green eyes flicking downward, then up to James' hair as he ran his fingers through it lovingly. The brunette smiled down at him, reliving so many marvelous memories as he peered into those deep orbs. Leaning forward again, James caught Kendall in a deep, passionate kiss.

xxxx

Finally exiting the freeway, Carlos was approaching Logan's neighborhood with anticipation. He had no idea what to expect from James, but something in his gut was telling him it was probably nothing too important to be worried over. Trivial things never really got to Carlos too badly, so he figured he wouldn't be all too mad at James at whatever he was lying about. He was just excited to see James, he missed laying next to his boyfriend in their warm bed.

Coming to a slow drive, Carlos passed the big, flourishing trees blocking his view of Logan's house, although he was still two houses away. Squinting to see whoever was on the Mitchell's porch, Carlos suddenly slammed on his brakes, his eyes going wide.

Right there stood Kendall Knight in the flesh and blood, pulling a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. A pump of adrenaline went through Carlos' viens, smiling so wide it pained his face. But then, the grin quickly died down, seeing James being pulled into the blonde's body, a kiss shared between the two.

Carlos' heart felt as if it had just exploded within his chest, it's sharpnel peircing his lungs. All too fast it was extremely hard to breath as Carlos let out a squeaky whimper, throwing his car into reverse. 


	14. Part 14

**WOW. I told The Savage Soul this chapter was probably going to be up the day or so after my last chapter. Uh...my only excuse is my holiday laziness. I'm such a procrastinator, I have a paper due for Honors Psychology in a couple of days and I haven't even started! Ugh.**

I don't own Big Time Rush.

"How could he do this to me?"

That was the only sentence stringing from Carlos' mouth over and over as he drove down the black pavement, his hands gripping so tightly on the steering wheel it hurt. He was crying, his eyes beginning to sting as he attempted to follow the small yellow lines painted on the road as best he could. He knew he must look stupid to passersby.

Even though only one sentence was being said, there was two million things speeding through Carlos' mind. He tried to think up an alibi for the whole situation, but no explanation would supress the internal pain the raven haired man was feeling at the moment. How could James do this to him? They had been together for what seemed to be the longest time, the bond they were beginning to share growing stronger than ever, Carlos had thought.

Not even bothering to roll his window up, Carlos yanked his keys from the ignition of his car, slamming his door as he ran up the stairs of his apartment building.

Throwing himself into his home, Carlos leaned against the front door for a moment, staying still as if he was contemplating what to do. His dark brown eyes shifted from left to right, his chest beginning to well with depression. It hurt tremendously, hurling his breath into long, gasping cries.

"How could you do this to me?" Carlos sobbed as he slid to the hardwood floor, his butt softly hitting the surface as he pictured his adulterous boyfriend in the arms of their 'fallen' friend. He was sure he should be asking himself how in the world Kendall was even alive, but it seemed like a inadequate question at the moment. All that mattered was that his heart had been broken, his insides feeling as though they had been lit on fire and burning into ashes.

He thought about confronting James as soon as he walked through that door, shoving him and crying out obscenities as he proded for an explanation for his unfaithful ways. But really, he just wanted to scream at James for being so terrible, making Carlos feel like a good-for-nothing.

Surprisingly, being the agressor he was, Carlos found himself digressing from the idea of fighting with James. He felt as though it was pointless to put himself through any more hardships for the night, and thought it would best be delt with in the morning. Quite frankly, Carlos hadn't cried like that since Kendall had supposedly died, and he was exsauhsted.

Wiping his damp eyes on his sweat shirt's sleeve, Carlos propped himself up onto his feet, kicking off his Toms and walking into the kitchen.

He had promised James he would come home to his favorite meal.

xxxx

"Why can't I come home with you?" Kendall frowned softly into James' chest as they sat on the long swinging chair suspended above Logan's porch. James bit down across his bottom lip, stroking his fingers over Kendall's shaven head. It felt so different from his old, long golden hair.

"I just had it de-bugged, the crew probably left my apartment a wreck," James fed off of his earlier lie, giving himself a mental trophy for being able to keep up with his excuses. Over the past few hours, James' mind had shifted over to the thought of his current boyfriend, Carlos, who was at home now making him a delicious meal. The brunette sighed, feeling that onslaught of guilt wash over him once again. "And besides, I'm sure Katie wants you to stay over here, you know, to catch up with her big bro."

"That's true," Kendall started, his half lidded eyes watching over the swaying grass in Logan's front lawn. "I just wanted to _be_ with you tonight,"

James knew that tone all too well, the blonde's voice sending a rushing wave of arousal through the taller man's body, making him feel even guiltier than before.

"I'll see you later Kendall," James sighed quickly before rising from the chair, making the chains holding it rattle. Kendall fell to the side at the loss of support on his body, then jumbled to his feet as well.

"You're leaving already?" The blonde's dark eyebrows turned upward in sadness, his fingers flicking his burnt out cigarette to the side. Smiling down at the shorter man, James placed a soft kiss to his pinkened lips. "I'm really tired. Love you though."

"I love you too. Oh, when did you say Carlos was coming back? I'd love to see him." James' throat seemed to tighten at this question, causing him to gulp down saliva unnecessarily.

"I-I don't know."

xxxx

"Carlos? I'm home," James announced as he entered his shared apartment nervously, chewing heavily on two pieces of gum. There was no way he was going to let Carlos taste his smoky breath, left on his tonuge by Kendall.

As he bent down to untie his shoe, he breathed in pleasantly, welcoming the delicious smell of Enchiladas into his nostrils. James smiled, forgetting his sins and remembering how Carlos had promised him to make his favorite dish. Kicking off his sneakers, James walked into the kitchen, seeing Carlos standing in front of the stove.

"Hey," James smiled at his boyfriend, before noticing that the Latino had headphones wedged into his ears. The faint sound of music was eminating from them as the tall man approached, leaning against the refrigerator to Carlos' left. Suddenly noticing James, Carlos tugged the earbuds out, staring up at his boyfriend with pinkish eyes.

"Hey James." Carlos averted his stare back down to the food, which was finished cooking. The black haired man reached up into the cupboard and grabbed a plate, placing the mexican dish carefully onto the ceramic surface with a spatula. James took the plate from him, fishing a fork from the drawer in front of him. "Thanks baby, I'm starving."

"De nada," Carlos commented in a faux happy voice, sounding a little more monotone than he had liked to. James unfortunately, seemed to notice.

"Why didn't you make yourself any?" The brunette set his food down on the kitchen table, walking back over to Carlos, who was now turning the stove off. "I'm not really that hungry. I think I'm just gonna go to bed."

"Hey, tell me what's wrong," James grabbed Carlos' forearm as the Hispanic man had begun to walk away. Stopping dredfully stiff in his spot, Carlos could feel the bottoms of his eyes swelling with tears again. Yet, he held back his pain.

"I'm just tired from work." Carlos was tired, but however, not from his day job at the ice rink teaching hockey, rather from crying for the past couple of hours. James heard a bit of shakiness in Carlos' voice, and turned him around to face him.

"Stop lying to me and tell me what's bothering my baby," James smiled down at him, seeing the wetness consuming Carlos' eyes.

_"Stop lying to me..."_

Carlos could have punched his boyfriend in the face at that very moment. Stop lying to _him_? Nevertheless, the shorter man plastered on a fake smile, just to amuse his lover.

"I just missed you, is all." 


	15. Part 15

**Just to let some of you know that already didn't, I don't have a computer at home, and the only way i ever update is on my Blackberry. And that's the reason I don't update so often. My thumbs get sore from typing on those tiny buttons! And I just want to say to all of you who are faithfully sticking with this story: thank you. **

**I don't own Big Time Rush.**

Carlos had been laying in bed for what seemed to be hours, just staring into the blankness, pondering on what he should say to James when the morning arrived. He was still very upset, but through the whole night of letting James convince him to sit down and share his plate of enchiladas and laying in the dark, Carlos had begun to think about the situation more in depth. Of course he knew James loved him, but what about Kendall? After all, he was the tall man's first love.

Something inside Carlos told him that he should be furious at James, throw punches at his gorgeous face and call him a liar. But something deeper down told him that he shouldn't be mad at his cheating boyfriend. The way James had acted after Kendall allegedly died was excruciating to watch, what with him locking himself up in his room and crying and screaming himself to sleep. Admittedly, Carlos thought that if James died, he would do the same.

And that's why, maybe it was okay that James still loved Kendall. It wasn't his fault...

But Carlos couldn't help but to feel that stabbing pain in his chest again as he turned over on his side, thinking about what he saw that night on Logan's porch. He was about to let a cry slip from his lips when all of the sudden, the bedroom door creaked open, a sliver of light flooding across the bed. "Carlos, are you awake?"

Closing his mouth tightly, Carlos shut his eyes, staying as still as possible while the light still shone through his eyelids. He didn't want James to hear or see him crying so pathetically. He stayed silent.

Finally the door closed, the peek of light dying out as the room reverted into its original blackness. Almost letting out a sigh of relief, Carlos suddenly felt his weight shift to the left side of the bed, James climbing up onto it. A chilling draft of air swooped underneath the blanket as James lifted it up, tucking himself under it.

"_What am I gonna do?" _Carlos' eyes popped open, hearing his boyfriend whispering on the other side of the bed. At first, he had thought James had noticed he was faking and had begun to talk to him, but the short sentence was followed by what sounded like a whimper. Carlos furrowed his eyebrows and bit down on his bottom lip, his ears perking up intently to listen to his boyfriend's soft words.

"_I love them so much..."_

Carlos could feel the tears begin to well in the bottom of his chocolate colored eyes. The way James was acting so nonchalantly earlier at dinner lead Carlos to believe that James was being insensitive to the whole situation, and that was partly why the shorter man had been so mad about it. But now, after hearing James' terrible little cries, he felt himself choking up, thinking about the hardship his boyfriend must have been going through.

Everyone always told Carlos he was too forgiving, always letting people slide by with their actions, but the Latino never believed them until now.

"_James,"_ Carlos whispered out softly, hearing the small whimpers come to a halt.

"Carlos-_I thought you were asleep." _James said his name in a surprised manner, the sounds of him sniffling up his tears being apparent behind his voice.

Suddenly the taller man felt the covers lift slightly, Carlos' warm body pressing down on top of his, the Latino's left leg slowly swinging over James' waist. Carlos knew this was contradicting everything his mind had thought about the last couple of hours, but dammit, he needed this.

He ran his fingers through James' long, silky hair, leaning down and pressing his full lips softly onto his lover's, moving them up and across. James whimpered into his boyfriend's mouth, his hands sliding down Carlos' short torso and placing themselves on his hips, squeezing with what seemed to be aching desperation. Carlos sucked on James' plump bottom lip, pulling it out and feeling the hot roll of breath come out from his mouth, smelling like delicious peppermint. He missed this feeling.

The feeling of total love.

"_James..." _Carlos whispered huskily into his boyfriend's mouth.

"Y-Yeah Carlos?"

_"Do you love me?" _

The atmosphere instantly became incredibly thick for James, the numerous thoughts of Kendall and Carlos bouncing around in his lust overflown mind. His grip faltered on Carlos' waist, bringing his hands up to cup his round face delicately, his thumb slowly trailing down Carlos' bottom lip.

"I will _always_ love you."

* * *

The next morning, Carlos awoke to an empty bed, a note laying on the night stand beside him.

_Carlos, _

_Last night was amazing. I went out to get the tire on my car fixed, I should be home later. _

_I love you._

_xoxo, Jamey._

Sighing, Carlos figured that James most likely wasn't at the auto shop, but rather off with Kendall secretly doing something they shouldn't have been. And besides, it only took like ten minutes to get a new tire. For some reason, Carlos just didn't seem to care this morning. Plucking the carefully written note up from the small white table, Carlos folded it up and walked over to his dresser, picking up his wallet. It was strange, but he felt like he just needed to keep that small piece of paper. Carlos was odd like that sometimes, like he used to be with his helmet. For a split second, Carlos looked at his closet, wondering if his trusty black headgear was still somewhere in there, hidden away in the deep dark depths of an old moving box.

That would be for another time.

Scratching his fingers through his sleep tousled hair, Carlos glanced into the vanity, deciding he would take a shower and head to the grocery store for some food.

_-later-_

Pulling his parking break up and removing the keys from the ignition of his car, Carlos hopped out, opening the backseat door to gather up the groceries that he had purchased. Having about seven bags and not wanting to walk up the stairs and then back down for a second trip, he decided to try and haul all seven bags at once.

Bumping the car door shut with the flick of the hips, Carlos could barley see over all the brown paper bags in his arms. _"Who the hell still gave out paper bags anyway?" _He sighed to himself as he began walking up the metal stairs of his apartments, struggling with the weight of the groceries. Suddenly, he felt his foot catch one of the spaces between each stair, and he tripped forward, dropping two of the bags to have them topple down the long walk.

"Fuck!" Carlos shouted rather loudly, his already damper mood turning into a full blown rain cloud above his head. James hadn't called him all day, and he was seriously beginning to get pissed off.

"Need some help?" He suddenly heard from the bottom of the staircase. Shifting his angle to his side, he peered from behind the grocery bags cradled in his arms to see his neighbor standing at the bottom of the walk, smiling up at him with his paper bags in her arms.

"Thanks Jo," Carlos sighed, turning away from the woman as he made his way up the rest of the stairs, finally making it to his door. Jo followed closely behind, grinning as she reached Carlos' side. Her brown eyes gleamed as Carlos looked back at her, a half smile stuck to his face. Jo Taylor always was Carlos' favorite neighbor.

She was a beautiful young woman who had just moved in about six months ago from North Carolina. She had always been the one person Carlos didn't completely despise in his building, and even went out shopping with her a few times.

"Here, I got these," she offered to help him take the bags inside his apartment, and he obliged, letting her unlock the door and open it.

As Carlos and Jo walked into the kitchen and set the groceries down, he turned, only to see the blonde woman peering at one of the pictures stuck to the refrigerator with a banana magnet. "You and James are just so perfect together, I wish I could have that," she complimented.

Carlos could feel his heart dropping to his stomach, a choking feeling rising in his throat as she smiled with her pink lips at the picture of him and James at the beach. Jo turned to look at Carlos, seeing his eyes becoming glossy and pink.

"Oh, Carlos, what's wrong?"

"Get out."

"But Carlos I-"

"Please just get out Jo. Now."

Jo's dark eyebrows turned up as she turned to leave, thinking she must have said something wrong as she shut the door behind her. As soon as she was gone, the tears broke the barrier and began to race down Carlos' tan cheeks as he moved forward, ripping the picture from the refrigerator, sending the magnet falling with a _-clink!- _to the tiled floor. He balled up the photograph in his hands, turning it into a crumpled mess as he chucked it across the room. He was full on sobbing again, like last night as he leaned over the counter, his face an inch from the cold surface. He watched his vision blur with tears as he hunched over and put his face in his hands, crying uncontrollably.

He hated feeling heartbroken.

Suddenly feeling his phone vibrate in his hoodie's pocket, he hesitated, wiping his eyes before calming his choking cries, and reaching in to retrieve it.

Sniffling up his wet nose, Carlos felt his breath become short and shaky, seeing a name he hadn't seen in a long time lighting up on his phone's screen.

**_Kendall._**


	16. Part 16

**So I found out the most terrible news. I'm getting a new phone next week, thats NOT a blackberry, which means I won't be able to update as frequently as I am used to, which is still not that frequent! D: And I apologize for the terribly short length of this, but this just seemed like a good cut off point for this chapter.**

**I don't own Big Time Rush.**

Blinking slightly to make sure his eyes were working correctly, Carlos stared down at his lit up cell phone, the name Kendall beside a very old picture of the blonde on his screen. There seemed to be nothing but confusion holding the black haired man back as he hesitated to flip his phone open to answer the call. Why would Kendall be calling him, of all people? Had James finally admitted their relationship to the golden haired solider?

Carlos swallowed dryly as he thought about what the outcome of this phone conversation might be. If James had told Kendall about their long term relationship, Carlos honestly had no idea how he would react to such devastating news.

Feeling as if he needed to do this, Carlos brought in a deep breath, flicking his phone open with his thumb. The vibrations instantly halted as he pulled the phone up against his ear, his lip caught between his pearly whites with anxiety.

"H-Hello?"

"Carlos! Hey man!" Kendall could be heard on the other line, his voice cheerful and unfaltering with excitement to actually be speaking to Carlos after all of this time. The Latino man's worried expression turned to relaxation as he leaned his butt against the kitchen table, his free hand gripping around the edge of the wooden furniture.

"Kendall?"

"Yeah, it's me. Did James tell you I was back?" Kendall sounded eager.

"Uhm-yeah man he told me. It's...it's really good to hear your voice Kendall." Carlos finally sighed, his eyelashes hovering over his brown eyes. It was true, he did miss Kendall. And there was no reason for Carlos to hold a grudge against the blonde man.

"When are you coming back from vacation? James told me you went to visit your parents in Wisconsin."

Carlos' eyes flicked closed as he rolled them, hearing yet another lie that his boyfriend had told. The raven haired man shook his head slightly and continued the conversation. "I actually just got back last night."

"Really? That's awsome! Can we go grab lunch? I really wanna catch up."

Standing straight suddenly, Carlos felt his heart climb into his throat, the invitation striking him up by suprise. Contemplating for a moment, Carlos' fingers diddled with the pocket of his jeans. "N-Now?"

"Yeah now! I miss you!"

Not wanting to seem weirder than he already felt, Carlos let a small smile graze his lips. "Sure."

* * *

Pulling up to the small restaurant Kendall had previously told him to meet him at, Carlos began to feel fallacious, like he shouldn't be meeting the man his boyfriend was being intimate with. For a moment he forgets that Kendall is one of his best friends, and that this shouldn't feel wrong. Nevertheless, it does. Especially when Carlos catches sight of the blonde just in time to feel two strong arms wrap around his smaller, seemingly dainty shouders.

The hug was long, feeling as though Kendall was trying to reignite the memories of their teenage years in one physical show of affection. Carlos felt himself giving in, wrapping his smaller arms around his tall friend's mid section. "Carlos...God it's good to see you." This didn't feel as akward as Carlos had thought it would. It felt, good. This feeling of happiness and warmth was refreshing from the depression he had been slowly sinking into.

The doe eyed Latino stared at Kendall as the blonde pulled away, studying his friend's habitual face. "It's really good to see you buddy," Kendall smiled genuienly, making Carlos forget eveything that has been rambling on in his confused mind.

"It's good to see you too Kendall," Carlos grinned, his mouth pulling up, his cheek bones prominent. Admitedly, Kendall missed that goofy expression Carlos always had on his face, the way he looked so dumbly amused by everything. Kendall really did miss Carlos.

The two ordered their food and brought it outside with them, sitting on the small outdoor section the resturant offered. The black metal chairs were somewhat uncomfortable, but nothing the two men couldn't settle into. It was a fairly nice day, not too cold but having a warm breeze, and Kendall partly wanted to sit outside for that reason. The other so he could smoke.

"It feels like forever since I've talked to you," Carlos stirred his straw around in his glass, the liquid inside being swirled around like a small tornado. Kendall grinned, leaning back in his chair to take a drag off of his cigarette.

"It feels great to be back." The blonde stated, his green eyes flickering over the various patrons of the eatery. "It felt great to see James again."

And that was it. The one sentence that made Carlos' smile falter, his stomach dropping somewhere into his lower abdomen, the feeling of sudden dispair smaking him in the face. Sitting back in his chair, Carlos could see the water begin to fill the bottoms of his eyes, unable to hold back the masked pain in his heart. Kendall seemed to notice as he leaned forward suddenly, propping his cigarette in the groove of the ashtray conveniently placed on the table. "Carlos, what's wrong?"

"I-I have to go," the shorter man blurted out, digging money from his wallet hastily and throwing it onto the table. Kendall's green eyes stared up at him frantically, standing up to follow his friend, who was making his way towards his car. "Carlos, wait!" The blonde called after him.

Full fledged tears were now spilling from Carlos' brown eyes, his vision fogging up as he reached for his car door's handle. As soon as he opened the door, Carlos felt a hand gripping firmly around his bicep. "Carlos wait a second," Kendall frowned, almost sounding as if he was pleading. "What's the matter with you?"

For a split second, Carlos could picture the tall brunette in his mind, this hand that was touching him now wrapped around that gorgeous face, the mouth speaking to him now pressed against his beloved boyfriend's. And he couldn't take it.

Holding back nothing, Carlos yanked Kendall towards him by the arm, pressing his lips to the blonde's in one fluid motion. A protestive noise seeped from Kendall's vocal chords, but he didn't push Carlos away, being in sheer shock.

The kiss was oddly warm to the both of them, Carlos' lower lip between both of Kendall's. After what seemed to be a minute, Carlos pulled away from Kendall roughly, his cheeks bright red and stained wet, his expression aggravated beyond description. "C-Carlos...what was that?"

"That's how it feels when James kisses me." The shorter man's eyebrows knitted together, his dark eyes seeing the confusion in Kendall's. "James and I are together. He's been lying to you. I never went to visit my parents...he and I live together." 


	17. Part 17

**I AM SO BAD WITH UPDATING THIS STORY! not to mention other ones as well. Sorry for being the worst about updating chapters, I just seem to fall into weird lulls where I don't have any inspiration for writing, but then when I force out a chapter the words just start flowing. I GOT MY NEW PHONE AND IT SUCKS. I can't even check if you guys reviewed during the day! **

**I do not own Big Time Rush.**

Throat going dry, his fingertips touching against his wet, kiss stained lips, Kendall stared at Carlos' dejected expression, watching the tears trail down his best friend's naturally tanned face. He hadn't even responded to what Carlos had said for what seemed to be minutes upon minutes, before finally snapping out of his confused daze, eyes darting around to the people walking by or sitting at the restaurant that had began to stare at their little spectacle. Quickly grabbing the keys from Carlos' shaking palm, he unlocked the Jeep's doors, shoving Carlos into the backseat, followed by himself as he climbed in and shut the door, the unimportant noises from the outside world all together halting.

Hands reaching forward and grabbing Carlos' broad shoulders, Kendall held him straight-spined, the shorter man's sobs suddenly stopping. "Carlos...are you serious?"

Truthfully, Kendall knew how stupid he must have sounded asking that question. Of course Carlos had been serious, after all, he had basically flooded the backseat of his car with the water works flowing from his eyes. Honestly though, Kendall had no other idea on what to say at the moment, so many thoughts swimming through his mind he couldn't seem to function properly.

"Yes, I'm serious." Carlos wiped his tear-swollen eyes, sucking up through his now running nose. Kendall's grip had eased on his shoulders. "I'm sorry Kendall, it's just we thought you we're gone and I know it's wrong, I'm so sorry I just can't help it that I love him..." Carlos blurted out, sniffling as his gaze remained on his lap. He dare not look his blonde friend in the eyes because there was no telling on about what he was about to do. Kendall didn't exactly have the most peaceful past.

When Kendall was a teenager he would fight about anything, petty or important, with the other kids at school, and even with his friends. It would be small things like who had beat who in the matches of Call of Duty they would play over Xbox Live, or big things like someone at school pushing James into a wall and threatening him because he was gay. After all, he was in the military.

"So, James has been lying to me, and you?" Kendall's voice was soft, a hurt tone lacing his words as his hands fell away from Carlos' tense shoulders. The tan skinned man tilted his head up to look at his friend, seeing his beautiful emerald eyes begin to glass, his pale expression telling how he felt. And Carlos could tell automatically the overpowering emotion flooding through Kendall's system right now. Betrayal. He recognized it, his heart experiencing the same thing. "Kendall, are you mad at me?"

The blonde's eyes darted back to Carlos, a tear rolling down his thin cheek as he yanked Carlos into a deep hug, hushing him in his ear. "No Carlos, God I would never be mad at you for something like this." Even though Kendall was hurt beyond belief, he would never unrightfully place the blame on someone who did nothing to deserve it. Especially because it was Carlos, his best friend for 21 years of his life now.

Carlos could feel his short hair beginning to mat down from Kendall's tears as he hugged him tight against his body. "I'm so sorry Kendall," Carlos whispered again, his hand smoothing circles onto the blonde's lower back. The two of them seemed to calm down after a while, their bodies pressed tightly together in the backseat of the Latino's Jeep.

Suddenly Carlos' cell phone began to buzz in his pocket, and he could only roll his eyes at the sound because he knew who it probably was. Kendall pulled away from his friend, leaning against the cushioned seat of the car, the blonde arched his back, his hands struggling to fish his cigarettes out of the back pocket of his jeans. When he was successful, he lit one up, opening the car door and letting his head lull to the side as he sucked in the smoke.

Sure enough when Carlos looked down at his phone he sighed, seeing a goofy looking picture of his promiscuous boyfriend on the screen. He tapped the_ Send _button, bringing the device out and pressing the speaker button. "Hello?" His voice sounded scratchy and rough.

"Hey baby, what's up?" James' sweet sounding voice played through the speaker, earning a "_asshole,"_ from Kendall as he flicked his cigarette's burning ashes onto the pavement underneath the car. Carlos couldn't help but to give a drooping smirk at that.

"Nothing, just...went out to get some lunch. What's up with you?"

It was weird talking to James like he was his beloved right in front of Kendall, but he didn't want James to figure out something was wrong and ask him about it.

"Just called to let you know that Logan and Lilah are having a date night tonight and I'm gonna stay over at their place to watch the kids," That seemed suspicious to Carlos, sounding like another one of his bullshit lies he had pulled the past week. Carlos glanced over at the smoking blonde, who gave him a shrug.

"Oh, okay. Have fun," Carlos remarked, sighing at the end of his short sentence.

"Wait, Carlos, do you wanna come? You know how big Logan's bed is..." James could be heard chuckling suggestively as Carlos furrowed his eyebrows, Kendall making a face in utter disgust that his boyfriend had turned into such a tramp.

"No, I'll be fine at home James. Bye," Hanging up the phone before they had a chance at saying the _I love you's, _Carlos exhaled heavily, his eyes connecting with his friend's. "I'm sorry."

Kendall's lips pursed around the slim cigarette for one last time, breathing out the murky smoke before flicking the butt outside of the car. Tears were building up in the corners of his eyes, and he knew Carlos could tell he was somewhat jealous and hurt by that phone conversation, but he held back from crying outwardly.

"Can I stay over tonight?" Kendall whispered out, shutting the car door beside of him and eyeing Carlos' expression. It was as if he was confused and surprised at the same time.

"Sure."


	18. Part 18: Friction

**WOW! So many reviews in so little time! -sniff- I love you guys! You're the best! Okay so I know this chapter may be a little...crazy to say the least, but trust me friends, I have a plan for it! Don't loose faith in me just yet, hah! Commenting on one of the reviews that was left: IT IS GOING TO WORK OUT IN THE END. I can't say if its going to be good or bad, you guys will just have to wait and see!**

**I do not own Big Time Rush.**

Even though so many things had gone on between the friends, and Kendall had been away for a long time, he was still Carlos' best friend, and the Latino was happy to take the blonde in for the night. After Carlos had finally spilled everything he knew, and hearing that phone conversation the two had, Kendall was past the point of crying now, he was just flat out frustrated.

As the two walked into the apartment, Carlos flipped the small white light switch to the right of the front door, causing the ceiling fan light to blink on, Kendall suddenly and painfully aware of how irritated his eyes had become from the prior chain smoking and tears. He sighed heavily, shutting the door behind him as he balled up his left hand and rubbed the back of it into his watery eye. "Sorry it's not much," Carlos set his keys down on the small en table, tossing his jacket over the back of the couch. Kendall laughed somewhat darkly.

"It's one-hundred times better than where I was living overseas," the blonde smirked softly back at his shorter friend, his hazy vision regaining its clarity when he saw Carlos' understanding face.

"Go ahead and make yourself at home," Carlos slipped off his shoes beside the door, padding over and into the kitchen as Kendall walked around the couch and into the small living room, sitting down on the soft furniture. His eyes wandered around the room, seeing various picture frames containing photographs of Carlos and James. He closed his eyes, the gravity of this whole situation bearing down on his shoulders.

"You want anything to drink?" Carlos hollered from behind the wall of the kitchen, causing Kendall to snap his eyes open.

"Got any beer?" Kendall shouted back his question, pulling his green hoodie over his head and tossing it beside of himself on the brown couch. It was really hot in Carlos' apartment; it felt as if it were at least 70 degrees. The material of the furniture was soft and therapeutic against the thin man's aching back. Before he knew it Carlos had appeared from behind the wall, holding four beers in his hands.

Sitting himself down next to his taller friend, Carlos set the drinks on the glass coffee table, popping the cap off of one and handing Kendall the dark green bottle. He did the same for himself, bringing one leg up onto the couch to fold underneath himself, getting into a comfortable sitting position. He leaned his head against the back of the furniture, watching carefully as Kendall tipped the bottle back by the neck and took a swig of the musty beverage. He gulped it down, giving a sigh when he brought the drink away from his pursed lips.

He turned his head to the side, noticing that Carlos was staring at him, his brown eyes half lidded and strangely curious. "Why are you staring at me?"

Carlos' lips curled into a small but tempting frown, taking a large gulp of his beer and returning his sights back to his friend, who's expression was soft. "What happened over there Kendall?"

The blonde's eyes immediately fell to his drink, his fingers gripping around the body of it a little tighter. He hadn't been thinking about Iraq for the past couple of days, and he'd really rather not have the subject brought up in his memories again. But Carlos was his best friend, and he was entitled to know about what had gone on over there. He placed his drink between his legs, leaning back further on the couch.

"Well, the first year was basically a walk in the park, other than the training and drills they put us through daily. Finally when it was time to go out and fight I was sent out to be a sniper with my new friend and partner Jacob. He was a really great guy, had a kid and girl waiting for him back here," Kendall paused, thinking of the beautiful Rosey, her cheeks specked with tiny brown freckles, in her arms, smiling and happy, oblivious to the fact that he would now be forced to be brought up fatherless, was baby Bent. Carlos could feel himself already begin to get choked up, noticing secretly that Kendall had said "He _was _a really great guy,".

"Jacob and I were camping out in one of the sniper towers built in the desert. I remember it was so hot I could barley breath. We got the call the morning after we had gotten there that there were enemies approaching from a good distance away, and that we were gonna have to shoot them," Kendall closed his eyes, the images of Jacob's dark blood splattering across the back of his eyelids. He loathed telling the next part of his tragic story.

"We took the shots, and they were perfect, right between those bastard's eyes. I was so nervous that my finger was literally shaking on the trigger, but when we got them, we felt great. But then we got to thinking, well that it all seemed a little suspicious that there were only four men without any tanks behind them for protection..." The thin, horizontal lines on Kendall's tank top began to blur together as he hung his head down a little, the tears returning to plague the surface of his irritated green eyes.

"It just happened so quickly. They were in our tower, three of them. They were screaming at me in Arabic and I had no idea what they were saying. They killed Jacob and blew up some sort of makeshift bomb strapped to one of their chests...I was lucky enough to jump backwards and roll down the stairs." He paused, his fingers running over the denim covering his left leg. "But I did loose something,"

Carlos' mouth was hanging open slightly, his cheeks already wet with tears as he stared at Kendall's metallic leg. It was shining and so technologically advanced, Carlos had never seen anything like it. He thought prosthetic legs were only made of plastic or thin metal, but nothing as complicated as this. Kendall pushed the pant of his jeans down, sniffing up and bringing the drink back to his mouth, swallowing most of it down his increasingly sore throat. Suddenly, he felt as if his brain had just switched to out of control mode.

"Then...THEN I come back to this bullshit!" He shouted out, slamming his beer down on the table and causing a glass-to-glass clang that pierced both of their ears harshly. Carlos' face twisted, feeling that agonizing depression fill up his chest again. "All I wanted was to come home to my family and friends and James. Just the way it was when I fucking left!"

Kendall was on his feet now, grabbing at his dirty blonde hair, pulling it until it stung his scalp. Carlos stood up quickly beside him, figuring that Kendall had finally hit that breaking point, the wall of emotion he had built up being smashed down in a fit of spontaneous animosity towards James. "Kendall, please," Carlos laid his hands on his friend's expanding chest, feeling his heart rapidly thumping against his ribcage. Tearing his hands away, Kendall cried outwardly now, his heaving sobs proving too much for him as he lost his sense of balance, stumbling against the coffee table and falling onto his shins in front of it.

Carlos promptly ran to him, kneeling in front of his shaking body as he grabbed his shoulders, bringing him up and yanking him forward into the strongest hug he had ever given to anyone.

"Why did it have to change? Everything was perfect the way it was!" Kendall bawled out as Carlos' arms cradled his body against his, the Latino's chin resting on the top of Kendall's messy hair. He didn't fully agree with the statement he had made, but this wasn't about Carlos right now.

Hands snaked underneath Carlos' arms and ended up grasping the back of his light blue shirt in balled fists, Kendall's arms shaking and his mouth quivering as if he were about to vomit. All he could see was him and James, happy together, living the life they had previously spoke of and dreamt about at night. It was all gone, his entire plan for the future shattered in a matter of days since being back in the United States. His mother was dead, and now, James would never fully be his again.

_"Did he fuck you?" _

Eyes widening, Carlos hugged his friend closer, trying to ignore the muffled question as if he hadn't heard Kendall ask it. The blonde pushed away, his reddened and puffy eyes stairng intently at his friend. "Did he fuck you?"

"Kendall...please I-"

"Just answer the fucking question Carlos!" The taller man pleaded.

"Yes okay! Yes we had sex!" Carlos' eyes were spilling tears as well, feeling dirty and ashamed of what he and James had done, even though there was nothing really wrong with it. He felt as though he had betrayed Kendall and everything his relationship as a best friend meant to him. Carlos let his grip on Kendall's shoulders fall, his palms coming to his face and covering his sobbing cries.

_"I'm so sorry Kendall..." _He choked out, letting his back hunch over as he could feel his friend's burning gaze on him, probably feeling as if they were no longer friends.

Suddenly, Carlos was being pulled up from his huddled position, Kendall's hands grasping the sides of his head as their foreheads connected. "It's not your fault, damnit Carlos it's not your fault," Kendall spoke softer than before, his tone deep and true. Carlos' brown eyes were wide open now, looking like a deer caught in the crossfire of headlights as Kendall smashed his lips against his, pulling his face up and kissing him like he had never been kissed before.

"Kend-_mhpm_-Kendall what are you doing?" Carlos' words were hardly audible as Kendall's lips attacked his with forceful desperation.

"Just shut up Carlos," he moaned into his friend's mouth, bringing their bodies together as they were now both on their knees, his fingers forming around the back of Carlos' skull.

It didn't seem right at all, the present situation just getting more twisted and fucked up than it already was, but Carlos felt his heart's pace speed excitingly, feeling Kendall's wet mouth sliding across his own, their tongues crashing together and massaging one another. "Kendall, fuck Kendall why are you doing this?" He spoke between the sloppy kisses' intervals, breathing heavily into Kendall's open mouth.

"I just...I really fucking need you right now Carlos..." Kendall whimpered roughly, his hands still gripping Carlos' head and seeming as if they were never going to cease.

For some reason, at that moment, it clicked inside of Carlos' brain that this all, indeed, seemed very right to him. He had gotten little to no comfort in the last couple of days, and this was exactly what he needed...what he was craving. And for a reason unknown to him, feeling Kendall's pink lip between his own felt so completely natural and mind-blowing.

Staring into Kendall's eyes for a split second, Carlos gave in, shoving himself forward and knocking them both to the floor, their mouths hot and working in unison to create the friction the two of them so desperately needed.


	19. Part 19

**And so the story continues.**

**I do not own Big Time Rush.**

Yanking up Carlos by his wide hips, Kendall hoists the Latino onto his lap, hearing a delicious mewl spill from the shorter man's mouth. He's never looked hotter, Kendall thought, his green eyes glancing down at Carlos' unbuttoned jeans hanging loosely off of his waist, up to his slightly parted, kiss-agitated lips. The blonde's hands are sliding down the back of Carlos' tight T-shirt, groping their way to his friend's round ass. A dainty groan leaves Carlos' throat, sounding so guilty and desperate.

Kendall leans forward, his hands sliding beneath Carlos' boxers to get his palms around his bare ass, gripping his fingers into the Latino's soft flesh.

Dark brown eyes were half-lidded as Kendall began to slide his lips against Carlos' olive toned throat, the small bit of scruff patching Kendall's chin pricking and tickling the older man's skin. Every nerve in Carlos' body seemed to be amplified at the moment, sensitive and startled at his best friend's touch. The blonde's tactical maneuvers were in a different galaxy from his boyfriend's, James being a little more dominant and electrifying, while Kendall was smooth and detail-oriented, paying attention to every sensitive spot on Carlos' body.

_"This is so wrong," _Carlos whispered in Kendall's ear, his fingers tucking away invisible blonde hair, hands cradling the back of his head.

Kendall laughed, his breath low and sultry.

"I know," He smiled into Carlos' collar bone, lips pursing to plant a chaste kiss in it's hollow.

Payback seemed to be the last thing on Carlos' mind, but James sure wasn't, his soft and loving face ghosting itself over the back of the dark haired man's eyelids as they closed, feeling Kendall's hands remove his shirt.

Before both of them knew it they were stumbling into the bedroom, Kendall tearing away from Carlos and pulling his top over his head, tossing it to the ground. The two had never been so exposed to each other before as Carlos shook himself out of his jeans, falling back onto the bed in his boxer briefs as the blonde walked forward and grabbed his face, pressing his lips tightly against his friend's. Kendall hastily undid his own pants, sliding them off and kicking them quickly to the side.

"Does James give it to you like this?" Kendall bit back his lip, wondering if his question was going to bother Carlos. It only intensified the Latino's drive for spontanenous revenge, hands grasping onto Kendall's hunched shoulders.

"He's usually fucks me rough," Carlos snarled, licking across his top row of teeth, one of his hands reaching down to squeeze Kendall's cock through the thin material of his underwear. He could tell the blonde wasn't expecting that answer, his bright green eyes widening at the touch. Suddenly they were completely on the bed, Kendall grinding his crotch into Carlos' hard and slowly, loving the friction created by the two bulges pushing together.

Sitting up a little bit, Kendall's hands went for the opening in the front of Carlos' boxer briefs, dividing the slit and pulling out his friend's cock, looking down at it once it was free. It was completely hard and thick in the blonde's hand, and he could literally feel the Latino's pulse thumping through it from the arousal. "Fuck Carlos..." Kendall breathed, beginning to slide his long fingers up and down it's length, watching Carlos' face twist and turn into a beautiful display of pleasure.

Soon Kendall had discarded his underwear and yanked off Carlos', both of them hot and naked and ready for what the night had in store. The taller man flattened his hands under Carlos' back and lifted him up a little, letting him drop so his head dropped on the soft white pillows. The raven haired man landed with a _thud_, his big brown eyes opening and staring at the puffy object. As he took in a long breath, feeling Kendall's saliva slicked cock push into his hole, he inhaled the sent of the pillow, and it smelled just like James. A shock went through his body as he smelled this, his chest beginning to well up like it did when he was about to cry.

As Kendall's hands gripped Carlos' hips, the Latino closed his eyes, letting an unseen tear slide down the right side of his face, soaking into the soft fabric of James' pillow.

* * *

Laying his head down on the couch, James blankly stared at the television screen flashing in the darkness of Logan's living room. Katie and her sister had gone to bed long ago, and had left their babysitter alone, with nothing to do but watch tv and think about everything that plagued him. It was now two in the morning, and James was on the brink of sleep, but not quite over the edge yet.

He wondered what Kendall was doing at that very moment, thinking about what his beautiful boyfriend looked like while he slept. And on the other hand, he also thought of Carlos. Was he awake? Most likely, James thought, seeing as how he knew his boyfriend loved staying up and watching scary late night movies on Chiller.

"You could've been here with me," James whispered to himself, reaching for his phone that laid on the table and clicking the screen, seeing a gorgeous picture of Carlos in his glasses, smiling as he cooked a meal on the stove top. He knew Kendall was at risk of seeing the picture, but James couldn't bring himself to change his wallpaper to something else; he just loved that picture so dearly. It had replaced a picture of the blonde next to James, both in their graduation cap and gown, holding up their diplomas and grinning for the camera.

James sighed, setting his phone back onto the coffee table and snuggiling himself further down into the blanket, settiling his weight onto the couch's cushions. "I have to pick one." he finally said to himself, closing his eyes and letting the television's light flicker on.


	20. Part 20

**I'm back! I just got a new computer and I'm ready to start writing again! Thank you for all the reviews you've left while I was away! GoodRiddancePlease, you're amazing. You've matured so much in your writing I can hardly believe it! I love you!**

**I don't own Big Time Rush. **

"James...James wake up."

Eyes opening, and vision coming into perspective, James stared into the face of Lilah, who was smiling down at him, purse held tightly to her side. The woman was dressed in a pair of light purple scrubs, her long black hair fastened into a tight-knit bun on top of her head.

"What time is it?" The groggy man rubbed at his eye with a balled fist, sitting up tiredly and inhaling air into his nostrils. Lilah's stare flicked down to her wristwatch, then back at her half-awake friend.

"It's eleven in the morning, which means I'm gonna be late for work if I don't hurry." Lilah stood from her bent position and patted James on the broad shoulder. As she began to walk toward the door, the long haired man turned on the couch.

"Wait! Where's the girls?" he asked, wondering if she still needed him to babysit for her.

"I dropped the girls off this morning at school. Have a good day James, and make sure you lock up when you decide to leave. Bye!" She waved just before shutting the large, wooden front door behind her. James sighed, suddenly feeling completely alone in the enormous home. Logan and his wife had really done well for themselves over the years, and his friends and family were extremely proud of their accomplishments. But from their glory birthed a different kind of feeling in James. Worthlessness. What had he ever accomplished in his life?

He never went, or even attempted to go to college, he could never hold a steady job, and he cheated on his boyfriend who loved him dearly and unconditionally. James felt as though he was nothing compared to his friends, sometimes, he even felt he didn't deserve to be around people who had actually made something of themselves.

It had been like this ever since Kendall had been announced dead overseas. James seemed to dive into a deep pit of depression that seemed to swallow him up into so much self-loathing that he didn't even want to look himself in the mirror. Now that the blonde soldier had returned, the feelings of angst has subsided for a while, but lately, they seemed to be rearing their ugly heads right back around, unloading all of their weight onto James. But who could he blame?

It was all his fault, in reality. Carlos loved and trusted him with every fiber of his being and James had metaphorically ripped him open and yanked those fibers apart, unbeknownst to the tall brunette of course.

Standing up and stretching his tired limbs, James grabbed his iPhone from the coffee table, walking out the door and snagging his backpack up on the way.

* * *

Carlos sat with his back supported against the backboard of his bed, white covers draped over his half naked form. He was shirtless and worn out from the night before, his black spikey hair sprawled in so many different directions he didn't think a brush could ever get all of the knots out. He was leaned to the side, glasses hugging the bridge of his nose as he peered out of his balcony window, watching as the black clouds began to roll over the grey sky, an omen of rain no doubt.

"I didn't know it was supposed to rain today," Carlos suddenly heard Kendall's voice, making him turn, seeing the blonde standing in the open doorway of his bedroom. The pale man was wearing nothing but a pair of dark blue sweatpants that hugged his skinny legs nicely. He held two coffee mugs in either hand, his thin, pink lips turned up in a quirky smile.

"Thanks," Carlos smirked as Kendall had walked over and handed him the deliciously warm cup of caffeine, his hands instantly beginning to tingle with the sensation of heated porcelain. It made his entire body shiver, and his eyes turned back to watch the swollen clouds, waiting to see the first drop of rain.

Kendall watched his smaller friend for a couple of minutes, pretending to gaze out the glass door and wait for the downpour as well. A lot of things were going through his mind too, like what would become of this entirely strange situation that the three men had going on between them. He thought of James, his beautiful and alluring face, and how he had seemed to fall out of love with the memory of him after he had allegedly died. Carlos was thinking of similar things.

"_How could he just betray me like that?" _Brown eyes quickly dropped to the ground as he saw the first sign of rain, a small brown spot dotting the wood of his back patio. _"How could he just throw my feelings out the window and run back to Kendall?" _Carlos brought the java to his face, parting his full lips and letting the tan liquid seep into his mouth. Everything seemed calm at the moment, but inside both of the men's hearts, an ocean of confusion coursed through their veins.

"Hey, Carlos." Kendall said at once, his hand latching on to his friend's shoulder, turning him towards him. "Everything okay?" The tan skinned man gave a sarcastic chuckle, bringing the drink back to his mouth. "Is that a serious question Kendall?"

The blonde must have found this amusing, because he went into one of his short laughs that made you feel completely happy; a goofy and stupid sounding noise that made you want to join in. Carlos even thought he had heard a snort in that one. "Yeah, yeah I guess it's really not," he said between small huffs of laughter. After he was done making a fool of himself, Kendall unexpectedly leaned over and laid his head against Carlos' chest, his ear pressed against the smaller man's collar bone.

"I'm sorry for everything Carlos. Right now it's just...well it's a really confusing time," Kendall sighed, watching the remainder of his coffee in his cup swirl around as he tipped the mug back and forth.

"You're telling me." Carlos smirked, tilting his head back until it rested against the backboard, watching the pattering rain fall from the huge clouds outside his apartment. Kendall's mind was blank for a moment, trying to grasp something to say to fill the awful and somewhat dark silence.

Before he could come up with anything, James had appeared in the open doorway.

"Wh...What's going on here?" He managed, wondering if his fucked up brain was playing tricks on him, or if he was actually looking upon Carlos and Kendall sitting in the bed with one another. Simultaneously, the two half-naked men snapped their heads in the direction of James, leaving their panicking minds guessing on why they had not heard the front door open and close.

Suddenly and without warning, Carlos angrily leapt out of the bed, throwing his coffee cup onto the hardwood floor, shattering it into shards of broken porcelain. His face was scrunched and red and seething with what seemed to be hatred as he stomped over to James, shoving him in the chest. "No, why don't you tell ME what the fuck is going on here?" He screamed, seeing the pure surprise snapping into his boyfriend's hazel eyes. Kendall was left staring at the splattered coffee all over the floor, his gaze immediately switching to Carlos after hearing his outburst.

"Carlos I-"

"Don't give me that _'Carlos I-' _bullshit you fucker!" The short man raged, the shoving forcing James the hallway and into the small living room. Kendall was now on his feet, racing out of the bed and into the skinny hallway, watching as Carlos continued his assault on James. "Carlos stop!" James pleaded, dropping his belongings to the floor.

"Did you stop when you saw Kendall? Did YOU fucking stop when Kendall kissed you?" He was so angry it was chilling to the blonde, who got a glance from James, as if the brunette was pleading him for help. He continued to watch.

"Carlos- Carlos! You have to understand," James tried, only to have a picture frame thrown at him.

"Get the fuck out of my apartment." Carlos commanded through gritted teeth, his eyes watering and fogging up his glasses. James just stood there, looking at his boyfriend like he had just told him the meaning to life.

"DID I FUCKING STUDDER? I SAID GET OUT!" The raven haired man yelled once more, pointing his finger toward the front door.

"Are you forgetting that I live here too?" James screamed back for the first time, seeing the look of surprise snap onto Kendall's face in the background. By now Carlos was overflowing with rage.

"Have you ONCE ever paid a fucking bill in this apartment? You don't even have a job! I said get out now, before I have you in the back of a fucking police car!"

James look defeated, but not down. He yanked his book bag up and off of the floor, slinging it around his arms forcefully and walking up towards the two others. "C'mon Kendall, let's go."

The blonde looked at him with green eyes that were confused and conflicted as James began to yank him towards the front door, pulling it open and stomping out. "James, wait. Hold on a second," Kendall was saying softly, but not attempting to pull himself away from his boyfriend. The two had made it down to James' car, when the taller man decided to turn to listen to what Kendall had to say. Right as he did, he was met with the blonde's fist smashing into his unsuspecting face. Stumbling back until he bumped against the car's door, the brunette stared at the enraged man, and then glanced up at Carlos who was standing at the top of the apartment stairs, looking down with awe at what had just happened.

James began to taste the copper pang of blood seep into his mouth as the rain was making his bloody nose run. With eyes locked on the blonde, his mind seemed to go blank, deeper emotions thrown away as the tall man lunged himself at his boyfriend, his tightly balled hand crashing into the hollow of Kendall's cheek. The green eyed solider stumbled, feeling James attack him and bring him to the black pavement. By this time, Carlos was in the parking lot as well, his fingers curled snuggly around James' muscular arm, trying desperately to pull him off of Kendall.

"Get the fuck off of me!"

_-Smack-_

The commotion suddenly stopped, the only sound to be heard was the gentle rain patting against the surfaces around them. James was turned, staring with wide eyes at the black haired man, who seemed diminished and small as he held his palm to his stinging cheek, his glasses halfway across the pavement from the force of the smack that his boyfriend had laid on his face. "Carlos, I...I'm so sorry..." James' eyebrows turned up, feeling Kendall scoot back from underneath him and sit on the asphalt.

"Just go," Carlos' eyebrows knitted together, his brown eyes no longer holding pent up rage, but flooding with tears. "Just get out of here."


	21. Author's Note for Part 20

**I know there's been a reviewing problem for some of you on the latest chapter, and well, it's really my fault, lol!**

**I deleted the Preview chapter to Part:19 so it's counting my newest chapter as one that most of you have already reviewed on. So I'm putting this AN up so you guys can review for the last chapter!**

**Sorry for the inconvienence!**

**xoxo**


	22. Part 21

**Here's a new chapter for you! Summer is wearing me out guys. I have been staying up all night for like, the past three weeks and sleeping till like three in the afternoon. Ugh.**

**I do not own Big Time Rush.**

"Here," Carlos reached out, dabbing Kendall's bloodied lip with a damp washcloth, holding his jaw between his two fingers. The blonde let out a small sigh, looking down at Carlos. He could see the hurt look on his face, and not just because the spot where James had backhanded him was still stinging.

The two were currently in the kitchen of Carlos' apartment, where he now lived alone. It was a wonder that girl, Jo, from downstairs hadn't come up to see what all the commotion was earlier. She was a nice woman, but she could be quite the nosy one at times.

"Your glasses are scratched," Kendall commented, causing Carlos to go cross eyed, staring at the three small scrapes that were etched into the glass in front of his eyes. The Latino sniffed, as in saying he didn't really give a shit at this point as he continued to blot the blood away from Kendall's split and swollen lip. "I never should have yelled at him."

Kendall suddenly pulled away from Carlos, grabbing his wrist to refrain him from wiping at his lip. His green eyes were curious, and somewhat appalled at what his emotionally wrecked friend had just said. "_You should have never yelled at him? _Carlos what are you talking about? You had every right to yell at the fucker."

"Have you once stopped and thought _'what if I was in his situation?'_ Kendall…I don't know if I wouldn't have done the same thing…" Carlos pulled his hand toward himself, forcing Kendall to let his grip go and watch his friend stand up from the chair. The dark haired man leaned up against the refrigerator, his forehead propped against the cold surface for support. "I just don't know if he was so…wrong."

"The right thing would have been to talk to you and I before just going off and cheating on us!" Kendall stood from his chair, making a loud noise when the legs scooted back across the floor. Carlos leaned away from the fridge, tears forming in the bottoms of his eyes. He thought that all the crying he had done the previous days would have dried him up, but apparently not.

The blonde was obviously angry with Carlos' reasoning, and the Latino could see it in his eyes. They were red and tear stained, but also filled with a glint of fire as he approached the shorter man, taking him by the shoulders and shaking him lightly.

"Look what he did to me Carlos. Think of what he did to you."

Shaking his head, Carlos yanked himself away from Kendall, closing his eyes and pursing his lips together tightly. "Maybe I just want this whole…ordeal to be over. It's just too fucking much to handle. My vacation days are almost up, I have to go back to work, and I'm not going in an emotional mess." Carlos said this bravely, fingers wiping away the tears from his eyes and flicking them to the floor. "I'm done with James, and if you still want to be in this stupid situation Kendall, I'm done with you too."

* * *

Parked on the side of the road, James sat in his car, sobbing for dear life into his hands. He didn't care who saw or if he looked like a complete idiot at the moment, he just wanted things to go back to the way they were. At this point, the brunette just didn't know what to do. Kendall surely hated him, and Carlos was bound to never take him back after the nightmare that had just occurred back at the apartment parking lot. The two people he loved the most in his life were gone, out of his grasp now, and he could think of absolutely nothing to get them back.

"Hello?" Mrs. Diamond answered her telephone, seeming a little cheery knowing her son was taking the time out to call her.

"M-Mom, I really need to talk to you," James could be heard bawling into the receiver of his cell phone, his mother immediately switching to mother-mode and grasping the cordless phone to the side of her face. "Jamie, what's wrong?"

"I went home today and…and Carlos and Kendall were in bed together. Mom, we fought and Carlos kicked me out of the apartment. Me and Kendall got into a fist fight," The brunette cried into the phone, his mother sighing at the short story her son had just told her. She knew it was a matter of time before James had to cross this bridge. "Baby, you can stay with me. Come home."

After hanging up the phone with his mother, James didn't even attempt to pull himself together as he started the car, snot dripping from his nose as he sniffed up, turning his windshield wipers back on and pulling onto the road. It was a busy day, people coming to and from out of work…James could barely see as he made his way down the slippery street.

* * *

It had been about an hour since Kendall had left Carlos' apartment. The two friends had gotten into somewhat of an argument, ending with Kendall gathering up his things and leaving, hailing a cab on the side of the street.

Now sitting on the couch, alone and left to think things over, Carlos replayed what had happened the night before, and what all had gone on that very day.

He recalled sitting on the couch with Kendall, the two kissing and making their way to the bedroom. Carlos remembers when they were completely naked, the cold steel of Kendall's mechanical leg running against his hot skin, sending sensations through his entire body. But most of all, he recollected the memory of himself, face in the pillows as Kendall took him, the only person on his mind being that one and only tall brunette he had come to love, James.

That love had been shattered when James made the fight physical. It was slowly depleting from the time he witnessed James kiss Kendall, but that slap to the face is what killed it all together. This left Carlos the rest of the afternoon removing pictures from frames and albums, tossing the unwanted memories in the trash where they belonged.

Carlos took a long shower that evening, standing under the stream of water until it ran icy cold, chilling his skin and forcing him to climb out. Tomorrow he would start work again, and he was somewhat relieved that he had something that was normal to wake up to in the morning.

Tucking himself into bed and removing his glasses, Carlos pulled the large white blankets around himself, attempting to sink into the well-deserved sleep he so desperately craved. It was all over.

* * *

The next day was surprisingly sunny. After a storm always came a calm, and it seemed to fit the plot of Kendall's life at the moment as he woke up, well rested on the couch of Logan's house. He had thanked his friend countless times for letting him stay the night, and in return had gotten dubious amounts of replies such as "no problem" and "stay as long as you need to."

Lilah let the blonde borrow her car, after telling him that he should go out and have a day all to himself, away from all the drama and craziness that had enveloped his life up to this point. He thought of how to spend such freedom, and only one thing came to his mind.

Driving up the long asphalt path that lead up to stunning green grass, Kendall parked the SUV and hopped out of the driver's seat, grabbing the bouquet of flowers he had brought along with him and closing the car door. A somber look was held upon his face as he expelled air, for some reason really nervous for what he was about to do.

As he walked across the beautiful green grass, his target came into view, and he nearly stopped and turned back around right in his spot. Shaking his head slightly, he carried on, making it to his destination.

After about one minute of staring down at his mother's tombstone, Kendall kneeled down, running his fingers along the wet grave marker.

"Hey Mom," he managed out, tears beginning to drip from the bottoms of his eyes as he looked over the engraving of the stone, seeing his mother's full name etched into it. "I know I haven't come to see you, and I'm sorry for that. I brought you these…"

Kendall reached forward and placed the flowers beside the tombstone, wiping away the tears that were wetting his cheeks now. A heat coursed through his body at that moment, the full effect of his mother's death hitting him across the heart. Gritting his teeth, he blinked up at a nearby tree, and then let his head hang beside his mother's gravestone.

"Mom, I just don't know what to do. It would be so easier if you were still here…" Kendall cried out softly, gasping a little as he tried to regain his composure. An erie feeling ghosted itself over Kendall for a moment, sending chills down his spine and causing him to look up from the grave.

Something was about to go terribly wrong, he could feel it.


	23. Part 22: The End

**Some of you guys guessed what was going to happen in your reviews, and you got it! I'm really glad all of you love this story so much, and it's strange to think that it will be coming to an end! I can't believe that it's been over a year since I started this, and I thank you guys so much for sticking it out and staying with this story till (quite literally,) the very end. I love you all so much, thank you for all the lovely reviews!**

**I do not own Big Time Rush. **

It seemed as though Kendall sat at his mother's grave for hours, talking about everything that had gone on in the past couple of years. He knew that in reality, he was confiding in no one, just a hole in the ground with his mother's body in it, but it was really refreshing to just speak about his problems in the open to the memory of someone he could really trust.

"Overseas was so scary Mom. I probably wouldn't have made it through without my friend Jacob that I had met on ride over. He was amazing, a down-home, real southern gentleman." Kendall laughed, cherishing the memory of his friend as he told the story. "He died over there…I was really looking forward to him coming up to visit when we made it back to the states, you know, to meet everyone. To meet you."

Just as Kendall let his head hang, his cell phone began to buzz in his jeans pocket. Sighing, he stuck his hand inside and pulled out his phone, seeing a picture of Katie. Sliding his finger over the touch screen, he held the device to his ear. "Hello?"

"Kendall! You need to get down to the hospital RIGHT NOW!"

The blonde instinctively jerked the phone away from his ear, his little sister yelling into hers on the other line. Pulling it back to his head quickly after, he held it there firmly, instantly shooting up from his sitting position and standing erect.

"Katie, what happened?"

"It's James, he crashed his car!"

That was the only thing Kendall needed to hear before he was full on racing to Lilah's car, jumping in the driver's seat and starting the SUV up, peeling out of the cemetery. As he drove down the road at breakneck speed, Kendall couldn't help to feel that odd sensation again, like he knew something like this was going to happen.

* * *

Carlos had woken up that morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. He had slept better than he had in weeks the night before, knowing that all of the drama of his past relationship was out of the way, and that he could return to work with a sane head on his shoulders.

As he walked around his apartment, making his breakfast and getting ready for work, it was refreshing for him to see a blank refrigerator, no pictures of the person who had almost ruined his life.

"Alright, Bradley that's good! Keep up the pace guys you're all doing great!" Carlos hollered out at the children skating along on the ice rink, their small and determined faces putting a smile on his. In his opinion, he couldn't get a better job than this.

If you had asked him what career he had wanted to spend the rest of his life at when he was a teenager, he would have either said a stunt man, or a professional hockey player. Since he never quite made it at either, he had stuck with teaching and coaching hockey at the local ice house. He could even say he almost ended up as a professional singer, if the record producer Kendall impressed would have actually taken him and his other three as a group.

His job now was fulfilling and was decent money. It something he could look forward to when he woke up every day.

"Alright everybody, bring it in!" Carlos smiled, skating to the middle of the rink, watching as all his students gathered around him. "You guys did awesome today, and remember, we have practice next Tuesday at three-thirty!"

As all the kids grinned and skated toward the exit, Carlos smiled, following along and waiting for all of them to get off the rink safely. After talking with a few of the parents about next week's schedule, he sat down on the bleachers, beginning to untie his skates and toss them into his bag.

"Mr. Garcia! Mr. Garcia, you have a phone call, it sounds pretty urgent," Amy, the teenaged girl that worked behind the front desk of the rink had run up to Carlos, handing him a cordless phone. Taking the phone quickly, Carlos had no idea of the incident he was about to hear of.

* * *

Earlier at the hospital, Logan had just gotten done with a very successful brain surgery that had him working for a countless amount of hours, his nerves rattled but relieved that it was over.

Walking out to the front desk, Logan smiled to the familiar receptionist, discussing the surgery and its success. But it seemed just as quickly as his conversation had begun, the double doors were flying open, nurses and doctors on either side of a gurney, running into the ER with a bloodied patient in the middle. Being the head of the medical team, they had made their way to Logan in a hurry.

"What happened?" Logan looked down at the person laying on the stretcher, their face extremely bloodied, their neck incased by a brace.

"He was in a car accident, but we're not sure of what time. Someone found him on the side of the road this morning. His head is split open and he has multiple breaks. He's critical," One of the doctors told Logan as they had begun to wheel the man back to the operating room.

"Sir, I'm Doctor Mitchell, everything is going to be alright. Can you tell me your name?" Logan held onto the man's wrists, doing his best to check his pulse as one of the nurses pulled the oxygen mask from the victim's face. "L-Logan…"

The brunette's eyes focused a little, his eyebrows furrowing when he heard the man's cracked voice say this. His blood spattered hand moved down to hold onto Logan's, and suddenly, it was obviously and painfully apparent who the man lying on the gurney was.

"James! James, listen to me, it's going to be okay, and I'm here. I'm not going to let anything happen to you," Logan grasped onto his friend's hand tightly as the nurse slipped the mask back over the tall man's nose and mouth, the brunette gulping down the lump in his throat as he watched James' eyes roll to the back of his head. "He's my best friend; we have to begin operating _now_." Logan could feel himself begin to tense up.

* * *

Nearly falling flat on his face as he ran into the hospital, Carlos bolted past the desk and ignored the screaming receptionist. He knew where Logan usually was because he had come up to the hospital to eat lunch with him countless times. "JAMES?"

As he burst through the double doors James was wheeled through hours ago, he was met by two police officers, who grabbed him by the arms and yanked him backwards. His glasses were knocked across the sleek floor as he struggled to get away from the two larger men. "Please stop! I have to get in there, I have to see James!"

"Wait, officers! He's with me!" Kendall's voice seemed God sent as Carlos felt the cop's grip on his biceps loosen, going completely away as the blonde smiled at the two, then handed the Latino his glasses. "Hey Carlos."

"Where is he? Where's James?" The black haired man frantically asked, looking over Kendall's shoulders, jumping as if he was going to get a glimpse of the brunette. "Hey, just calm down…he's in surgery now."

The blonde lead Carlos back to the waiting area where he was sitting with Lilah, the girls, and James' parents. Tears were water falling down Mrs. Diamond's face, her husband's arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders in a comforting hug. As the two sat down, Carlos leaned forward, hands running through his soft hair. "What happened?"

"I was on the phone with James yesterday, and he was really upset over what had happened between you three," Mrs. Diamond began a tissue guarding her eyes as she cried a little more. "He said he was coming right home…"

Carlos' pupils felt as though they were shaking, his heart pounding a little faster, his legs becoming restless, bouncing up and down nervously. "They said some couple found him this morning, lying on the side of the road in the grass, his car about twenty feet away, flipped over and totaled."

Lilah's voice was shaken as she explained, holding her smallest daughter in her lap, Katie sitting in the chair next to her, eyes filled with saddened tears.

"Oh my God," Carlos slid his glasses from his face, dropping them to his lap and placing his hands over his face, beginning to sob into his palms. He felt awful; worse than he had when Kendall had died, and worse than he had during the entire three-way fight between his friends. In the back of his mind, he knew if it wasn't for the quarrel they had all gotten in the day before, they probably wouldn't be sitting here, waiting on James to come out of surgery.

Suddenly, a familiar face appeared in the waiting area, everyone's attention suddenly shooting up to Logan. He was wearing a light blue pair of scrubs, a white mask hanging around his neck. The entire group of loved one's throats went dry as they scanned Logan's clothes, seeing them stained and soaked in dark red blood.

"Honey! How is he?" Lilah's eyes went wide, her lips left apart as everyone desperately awaited the outcome. Logan's eyes closed for a moment, his chest expanding as he took a deep breath in, pulling one of his latex gloves from his hand and wiping away the sweat that was beading his forehead.

"We did everything we could…" Logan started, his voice sounding choked up, his mouth twitching at the corners. "…but his injuries were extremely extensive. We were able to stabilize him, for now."

"What do you mean for now?" Kendall stood up from his chair, staring Logan sternly in the eyes. Everyone was visibly shaken, not ready to get the bad news that they knew was about to leave their friend's mouth. "He's…he's doesn't have that much longer. You guys should come see him to say goodbyes."

With that, James' mother threw herself at Mr. Diamond, her sobs echoing throughout the entire ward as she cried into her husband's chest. Lilah's hand had come over her mouth, depressing her sounds as she hunched over, hugging Katie and her biological daughter tightly in her arms. Kendall could feel himself become wobbly, his real leg on the verge of giving out. As for Carlos, he just couldn't hold it in any longer, and began to wail into his palms, tears rolling down his cheeks.

This was it.

Nobody actually wanted to see what James looked like after the fatal crash he had taken, but they all knew it had to be done. As Logan's hand grasped around the handle of the door, he opened it gently, the sound of machines beeping and buzzing instantly apparent as they all crept inside.

James' mother almost collapsed when she laid eyes on her son, his once beautiful face now bruised and swollen. A wrapping was tightly around James' head, keeping his skull from caving in, and a bulky brace around his neck. Stiches lined his cheek, one eye covered up by a gory looking bandage. Lilah immediately covered Alysia and Katie's eyes, hurrying them back out of the room.

As the group surrounded James, Carlos reached down and took one of his hands in his own, watching his uncovered eye open, his torn and cut lips part open. "Carlos?"

"Yeah James, it's me. We're all here," Carlos replied, his voice ridden with cracks and chokes as he watched James' eye travel around the room, seeing all of the people he loved.

"Looks like I don't have much longer…" James said through his swollen face, and everyone noticed he was missing an immense amount of teeth. His parents came up beside him, both of them in tears as he struggled to look at them. "James baby, Mom and Dad are here," Mrs. Diamond cried, holding his hand tightly.

A strained smile played on James' lips as he saw their faces, his vision a little blurry as blood swirled in his eye. "I love you guys so much…" he whispered, their expressions making him sad, the morphine dripping into his vein not letting him feel any pain as his mother picked up his arm and kissed his hand gently.

"Where's Kendall and Carlos?" he said at once, his brown eye searching the room until he found them. "We're here James," Kendall spoke, his arms crossed, his eyes watering as he watched his friend struggle to breath. "Come here."

James' parents backed away as the two men came up to James' side, staring down at him as he blinked his exposed eye, smiling at the two faces he loved most.

"I-I just want you…both of you t-to know that I am, I'm so sorry for what I did," James' expression turned, his words beginning to jumble up and sound groggy. Carlos and Kendall squeezed his hand, the blonde shushing him. "Please, James you don't need to apologize, we forgive you."

James' lips began to shake as he tightened his grip the best he could on his lover's hands, his arm shaking, and his eye beginning to water. "I love you guy…guys so much. I am sorry. So sorry…"

As he said these words, Carlos leaned down and kissed his forehead, his tears dripping down onto his ex's bandages. "We're sorry too James, we love you."

When Carlos leaned up, the grip that James had on their hands suddenly began to lighten, his eye closing and the beeping on the heart monitor machine he was hooked to slowly beginning to diminish, until it was a long and steady sound. The group of people in the room couldn't believe it. James…was gone forever.

As Kendall sat on Logan's couch that night, he held Katie in his arms, the siblings curled together as they cried and talked and sat in utter silence for what seemed to be eternity. Some of the things that his younger sister remembered about James surprised Kendall and it warmed his heart to know that the sandy haired man had left such an impression on her.

The blonde recollected that kiss he and James shared when he was finally being deployed overseas; how beautiful and heartwarming that moment was. It would stick with him forever, the image burned into his mind like it had been branded into his brain.

Just as James had seen the apparition of Kendall in the photograph Carlos had taken, the solider was imagining his lover's form as the two sat in that wonderful tree where they shared their first I love you's. He would never, ever forget the spring leaves casting their shadows on James' face, that sound of the lawnmower in the distance as they spoke those three small words that were so tiny, yet meant so much.

For Carlos, it seemed as though as quickly as he had gotten James out of his life, the brunette man he had come to love was back in it. Every horrible moment of lies and screams seemed to fade away into unknown memory in comparison to all of the wonderful times the two had shared.

Growing up together, laughing and playing in the snow when they were kids…meeting Kendall and Logan together on the playground. Comforting one another after the misunderstood tragedy of losing their best friend…these were the only things that Carlos could think about as he drove down the road that night. It seemed as if these things were the only things that really mattered at this point.

Reaching into the garbage can in the kitchen of his apartment, Carlos found the crumpled up thing that he was looking for, unballing it and smoothing it out. Smiling at the photograph of James and himself at the beach, he stuck it to the fridge with the silly banana magnet that the tall man had convinced him to buy…that didn't seem all that silly anymore.

**The End. **


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